"Mean As Jack The Ripper" - The Kipper Fan Club

kipper lyrics

Do The Clapham

(spoken intro) 'Ere's a merry new dance tune from Sarf Lahndahn

It's called The Clapham

'Ere's a new dance that's goin' around

It's gonna be the rage of Lahndahn tahn

The principal aim is vi-o-lence

So you'd better get with it cos' you know it makes sense

(chorus)

It's foot-tappin'

It's sorta... 'and-clappin'

It's even finger-snappin'

It's The Clapham

Do The Clapham

(spoken) Right, let's get a bit naaahsty now

Find a partner that's half your size

Then thump 'er right between the eyes

And if you're bored and you want a larf

Kick a few members of the catering staff

(chorus)

It's foot-tappin'

It's sorta... 'and-clappin'

It's even finger-snappin'

It's The Clapham

Do The Clapham

Now I want you all to get

Really, really, violent

There's one more fing that oughtta be said

You can do this dance on someone's head

(chorus)

It's foot-tappin'

It's sorta... 'and-clappin'

It's even finger-snappin'

It's The Clapham

Do The Clapham

(repeat to fade or until piano, amps, and the rest of the gear explode)

Kipper

'Ere we go

Start the show

1,2,3, are you ready?

Come on Tim

Hit the thing

That's it, nice and heavy

Bit o' bass

Shake the place

Oh, I fink a joanna comes in 'ere

Come on man

Clap yer 'ands

Break the place - we don't care

(chorus)

The name is Kipper, Kipper

Mean as Jack The Ripper

Our name is Kipper, Kipper

Hang on to your heads

We'll knock you all dead tonight

Come on girls and boys

Let's make a little noise

And 'ave ourselves a celebration

And if the police say it's a breach of the peace

I'll see you all dahn at the station - orwright?

(chorus)

The name is Kipper, Kipper

Mean as Jack The Ripper

Our name is Kipper, Kipper

Hang on to your heads

We'll knock you all dead tonight

(repeat to fade)

Oh Sha La La

Oh sha la la

We lahv a-rock'n'roll-a

Oh sha la la

We all a-ola-dola

Oh sha la la

We got a lotta soul-a

Oh sha la la

We all a-hokey-cokey

Oh sha la la

We all a-hoochie coochie

Oh sha la la

We all a-tutti frutti

Woah-oh-a-woah-a-woah

(sax break)

Oh sha la la

We all a-bam-a-lama

Oh sha la la

We all a-wanga-danga

Oh sha la la

We all a do la bamba

Woah-oh-a-woah-a-woah

Oh sha la la

We lahv a-rock'n'roll-a

Oh sha la la

We all a-ola-dola

Oh sha la la

We got a lotta soul-a

Oh sha la la

We all a-hokey-cokey

Oh sha la la

We all a-hoochie coochie

Oh sha la la

We all a-tutti frutti

Oh sha la la

We all a-bam-a-lama

Oh sha la la

We all a-wanga-danga

Oh sha la la

We all a do la bamba

Accidents Will Happen

(b-side of 'I'm Gonna Batter You')

Accidents will happen

And they keep happening to me

They come panned, scanned, written by hand

Oh what a catastrophe

Every time I kiss your lips

I need you more and more

But every time I hold your hand

My love falls through the floor

Accidents will happen

And they keep happening to me

They come panned, scanned, written by hand

Oh what a catastrophe

Every time I see your face

My 'ead starts spinnin' rahnd

And if you'll wait a thousand years

You'll find me underground

(guitar solo)

(sax solo)

Accidents will happen

And they keep happening to me

They come panned, scanned, written by hand

Oh what a catastrophe

I said

Accidents will happen

And they keep happening to me

They come panned, scanned, written by hand

Oh what a catastrophe

(repeat to fade)

Don't Cry For Me Argent's Cleaner

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

I was over at Rod Argent's, working on a song

for a film that Tim's in called 'Queen Kong'

But everything we tried just turned out wrong

So I went mental, smashed up the place, smacked 'im in the face

Then took off me waistcoat and flares and ended up beneath the stairs

Naked in a cupboard curled up in a ball

Feeling so vulnerable and small

Like when I was a boy before the rock'n'roll call

Then I heard a voice as the door it unlocked

And this bird looked real shocked

As she groped for the hoover my boat race she clocked

(chorus)

Don't cry for me Argent's cleaner

The truth is I never meant to...

All thru' my wild days

My mad existence

Oh come on darlin'

Don't need resistance

And as for fortune and as for fame

I thought that would exempt me from blame

But the News Of The World caused me real shame

They called me evil, they called me mad

The Times even called me a cad

Oh that's not too bad

I think I will do it again

Fist Of Fate

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

We sat together on an old park bench

Talked of trout and bream and tench

Then I felt my buttocks clench

As the past crept up behind

I felt deaf, dumb and blind

Then on chips'n'caviar we dined

Waiting for that violent fist of fate

We got married in the Spring

You the queen, me the pearly king

I tell you I won't change a fing

With your gorgeous long blonde hair

And you had such a lovely pair

We we're Clapham's Sonny & Cher

Harmonising about that violent fist of fate

You combed my barnet and cleaned my boots

Brushed the dandruff off my suits

The band all played their whistles and flutes

And it made me sad and blue

I just had to punch you

Hey what else could I do?

The one and only violent fist of fate

Now I'm sat on Clapham station

Waiting for an invitation

From God on high to his celebration

Cos' I think my time has come

Timmy bang that funeral drum

And stop showing yer bleedin' bum

Goodbye to the violent fist of fate

Nonces And Ponces

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Police come lookin' for Matthew Kelly

He's that geezer you've seen on telly

Game for a laugh? What's his bleedin' game?

Fiddlin' with kids? It's a cryin' shame

Who's this fella, lurin' you to his lair?

(band shouts) "Give us a clue!"

It's Lionel Blair

Larkin' abaaht with laaverly Miss Stubbs

But watch 'im, he goes in some right funny pubs

I'm free, I'm free, yells an aptly-named bloke

That's right, John Inman, his moniker's no joke

The fuzz'll make sure he gets what he's deserved

While they put the boot in they'll shout "are you being served?"

Nonces and ponces

They live their own lives

But when Kipper get at 'em

We'll be coming wiv' knives

Do you wanna be in our gang?

Noggo Payola

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

You lookin' for a bashin'?

You'd better start jumpin'

Nutter don't ration

When 'e gives a thumpin'

We ain't in fashion

But 'ere's where it starts

When Kipper go crashin'

Into the charts

And we're gonna be-eee

Naamber one

(Not naamber 2)

Kipper are 'ere

Headin' straight for the top

As long as Tim's dad

Goes in the right shop

We love playin'

Tourin' and giggin'

But most of all

We love chart riggin'

And we're gonna be-eee

Naamber one

(Not naamber 2)

My idea

Of a backhander

Is different from Noggo's

'ere, 'ave a proper gander

Sid bungs notes

In the right pockets

And if they don't listen

Kipper will sock it!

And we're gonna be-eee

Naamber one

Yeah, we're gonna be-eee

Naamber one

We're gonna be-eee

Naaamber one

And you're naamber 2!

Goodbye Pye

'ello, A & E

Accident and emergenceeee!!

Borstal Bovver

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

No matter wot I do, they can't chuck me in the nick

I'm only 14, but I look 36

I ain't never gonna go to school again

Why? Cos' I'm a bleedin' hooligan

(chorus)

Borstal, Borstal

Open your doors

Nutter's comin' in

And you're gonna get yours

Borstal, Borstal

Caught by the rozzers

Now there's gonna be

Some Borstal bovver

Blow's been nicked, for blowin' up pianners

Petal's speciality involves a wrench and spanners

Eric's been naughty, the kid's called Liam

His mum's a slag from Manchester, that's why he don't see 'im

(chorus)

Borstal, Borstal...

I can do the time, then it's back to doing crime

I'd write a few songs, but I dunno how to rhyme

I don't care if you're Tom, Dick or 'arry

Cos' I'm here now - and Nutter's the daddy

(chorus)

Borstal, Borstal...

Borstal, Borstal

We're 'ere to do wrong

Borstal, Borstal

That's the end of this song

(piano explodes)

Fight

(from 'Phwoooooaaaar!' album)

Howling winds torment my pain

I'm back in Manchester again

Industrial clamour, grind, and crash

Blimey, where's me pie and mash?

Vortex tries to suck me under

Heart and mind are rent asunder

Fighting, fighting, still I buckle

Have a bit of Nutter's knuckle

Desolation takes control

Ennui filters through my soul

Adrift in northern territory

A loaded fist won't set you free

Decadence

(from 'Phwoooooaaaar!' album)

Decadence

Silence

Offence

Violence

Intensities

Bunch up

When I'm in a

Punch-up

Matricide

Infanticide

Suicide

Kippercide

Transgression

(from 'Phwoooooaaaar!' album)

What

What have I done

No light

From the dying sun

Autobahn of despair

Tear up my Baudelaire

Can't give up violence and how I've tried

Think I'll just commit suicide

Can't even turn on my television to save my soul

I have lost the controls

(heavy bass rumble, metronomic drum beat and howls of anguish with Nutter doing a robotic type dance involving jerky kicks and punches)

Do The Du - Do The Clapham

(from 'Phwoooooaaaar!' album)

My mate was just a bore

And you kicked him

Till he was raw

We fled away

In an instance

Followed by

His sisters

Rusty Van Vibrations

(from 'You Can't Kipper Good Band Down' album)

(track credited to 'I-Normington' and performed in dreadful attempted Jamaican accent)

Yeah mon dis is Nutter Dread

I is comin' at ya wid da Clapham, Cockney-far-i rub a dub dub toons

I'm gonna put on me iron waistcoat

And punch you in de troat

I'm gonna see you down the station

Rusty Van Vibration

(repeated several times with sad attempts at street slang and various shouts of abuse aimed at 'de pigs' and affiliation with 'de yoot')

Backhander

(from 'You Can't Kipper Good Band Down' album)

'ere darlin', take a gander

Shat it you slag or you'll get a backhander

Ahp in court for vi-o-lence and slander

I'll get off, of course, cos' I give 'em a backhander

Oooh yeah backhander

Always does the job

Some pohncy chef says use coriander

What you need, sahnshine, is a nice backhander

Aht in some posh bird's garden, on 'er verandah

Cahm 'ere lav and get a nice backhander

Oooh yeah backhander

Always does the job

The pigs are 'ere again cos' I tanned 'er

I'm out of jail and out on bail, slipped 'em a backhander

Oooh yeah backhander

Always does the job

Back-Bleedin'-'Ander

Black eyes like a panda!

Ever get the feelin' you've been Kippered?

(The album's closing track, 'Backhander (reprisals)', is the above played backwards with the sound of ambulance and cop car sirens overdubbed)

Up On Kipper Creek

(from 'Kipper' album)

Up on Kipper Creek wiv my bird

I'm as 'ard as nails, ain't you 'eard?

Kick you in the teeth, you old nerd

A cockernee's dream if I ever did see one

When I get out my Cortina

D'ya know where I'm gonna go?

Way up the Old Kent Road

To bleedin' Walthamstow

And if you get in my way

You'll wish that you'd not

I'll boot you in the cobblers

And quick as a shot, 2, 3, 4

(etc...)

Savoy Scuffle

(from 'Kipper' album)

Pie, mash 'n peas

Made by me ma

A nice treacle sponge

And a big cup o' char

Ten number 6 and ten pints dahn the bar

Then it's off to some poncey 'otel

For a Savoy Scuffle

Steak, chips 'n peas

Made by me gran

A nice Spotted Dick

Then into the van

Ten B&H and ten pints of Black and Tan

Then it's off to some poncey 'otel

For a Savoy Scuffle

(spoken) 'ere, what's that bleedin' noise?

It's a what?

A sitar?

Leave it out, you maaahppet.

And Eric...get off me missus

No Kippers For John Cleese

(from 'Phwoooooaaaar!' album)

Oh baby you're a catastrophe

When I get 'ome at night

I ain't got no tea

And my mavver warned me

You are a slag

Oh baby you just don't know

About my kid brother

Who is a bit slow

And my mavver warned me

You are a slag

Black & Blue Fistmas

Christmas Eve's occurring

And all through the house

Naffink is stirring

Nah, not even a mouse

Santa ain't comin'

We ain't made a list

The old bag's complainin'

So I show 'er my fist

Another black & blue Christmas

Another Christmas on the dole

Now is the winter of our discontent

'Ow we gonna pay the bleedin' rent?

Another black & blue Christmas

Another Christmas on the dole

Fings are lookin' rarver murky

I'll kill that dog, it's ate the turkey

Today's naffink special

We're 'avin' a tiff

Ain't it abaht

Time to open my gift?

All in a fluster

The missus draws near

Great, a new knuckle-duster

"I'm always touched by your presents, dear"

Another black & blue Christmas

Another Christmas on the dole

Celebrate the birth of Jesus?

Wot abaht us cockney geezers?

Another black & blue Christmas

Another Christmas wiv my trollop

God rest ye, merry gentlemen

Crash, bang, bleedin' wallop

A Little Less Dahn-The-Station

(credited to 'D.J. Heroin Addict featuring Kipper'. Kipper samples are marked with an asterisk)

I know you got soul

California soul

Rock’n’ro-oll, rock’n’roll

We all are on the dole-a *

Does exactly what it says on the tin

You’re gonna get your f#!*kin’ ‘ead kicked in *

See you all dahn at the station, orwright? *

See you all dahn at the station *

Under a groove, one nation

I’ll see you all dahn at the station *

Play that funky music, white boy

Send your camel to bed

I’ve got a luvverly bunch of coconuts

Gertchoo cowson gertcha

Does exactly what it says on the tin

You’re gonna get your f#!*kin’ ‘ead kicked in *

See you all dahn at the station, orwright? *

See you all dahn at the station *

A little more action baby, a little less conversation

I’ll see you all dahn at the station *

N-n-n-n-n-n-nineteen

I'm Gonna Batter You

What do you say to

A bird wiv two black eyes?

Bleedin’ naffink

Cos’ you’ve told ‘er twice

We’ve always been like it

From cradle to grave

Domestic violence

That’s what we crave

I’m gonna batter you senseless

You’re top of my list

I can see you’re defenceless

Say ‘ello to my fist

Put dahn that shooter

You ain’t Reggie Kray

‘Ave one on the ‘ooter

Go on sahn, make my day

You’re a merchant banker

And you’ve gotta pay

So just like Paul Anka

I’m gonna do ya my way

I’m gonna batter you senseless

You’re top of my list

I can see you’re defenceless

Say ‘ello to my fist

Brought ahp in Clapham

And we live there still

Fightin’ forever

Wiv’ the old bill

Look aht for his truncheon

It’s headin’ your way

But I get the last punch in

Kipper rule o.k.!

I’m gonna batter you senseless

You’re top of my list

I can see you’re defenceless

Say ‘ello to my fist

I’m gonna batter you senseless

And hey, ‘ere’s the twist

Sorry, I lied

Say ‘ello, 'ello

'ello, 'ello

to my fist

Back In Clapham

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

Towed back 'ome to Clapham by the RAC

Didn't get much kip last night

On the way the chip bag was on my knee

At least we'd 'ad a real good fight

Now we're back in Clapham

Any lip and we'll slap 'em

Back in Clapham

Yeah bleedin' yeah

Northern blokes we will knock them out

Leave our calling card behind

And Scottish blokes will get their teef knocked out

And Swansea's always on my fist fist fist yeah yeah yeah

Did a gig in Ipswich, one in Skegness too

Than a matinee in Stoke

Pulled a lavverly bird in Coventry

And gave 'er some Nutter poke

Now we're back in Clapham

Any lip and we'll slap 'em

Back in Clapham

Yeah bleedin' yeah

Barnet Fair

(from 'Bunch Of Fives' e.p.)

'Ere do you like my Barnet Fair

Cossack for men 'oldin it in place

If you give me grief for my laaverly blond locks

Then I'll smack you hard in the face

'Ere do you like my Barnet Fair

My barber says it makes me look nails

'E's right, of course, I'm a right proper thug

What did you think I'd 'ave - bleedin' pigtails?

Kipper In A Tutu

Violence is nice

And violence won't stop me

From doin' all the things in life I like to

So I went dahn Crystal Palace

Wiv me mates and me old joanna

She said I know you, you're a corking singer

And you play a mean piano

'Ere shut yer mouth, 'ow can you say

That Petal 'ere is a gay

'E's straight as a die and it's fair to say

He's done more bitches than the P.D.S.A.

Under Lambeff Bridge we kicked some ponce in

Who wouldn't give us his chips

You can't get a ruck like the old days anymore

You can't get an old-fashioned brawl

Is he still ill?

(I 'ope so...)

Patsy Rowlands

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

He's in love with a fist'n'kick wooaah

He's in love with broken bones wooaah

He's in love with Patsy Rowlands

But he don't like Babs Windsor no

An' he knows what his fists is for

He's gonna punch 'ell out of you

You lucky lady!

An' he knows when the kickin' comes

They'll be over in the meat wagon for you

An' at the gig, lots more birds

Real dolly birds with cracking mini-skirts

But these scrubbas is all the same

Ugly as sin when the lights go up

I feel like bein' cruel

Stop touchin' kids, Jacko!

He's in love with a fist'n'kick wooaah

He's in love with broken bones wooaah

He's in love with Patsy Rowlands

But he don't like Babs Windsor no

No, no, please don't go, please don't go, o-o-o

Through them fire doors

Bastards

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

Bastards, bastards everywhere

We don't fucking care

Judges in their funny wigs

You don't see them at Kipper's gigs

Coppers dahn at Scotland Yard

Really ain't so bleedin' hard

Brokers carryin' Financial Times

Plotting all their Tory crimes

M.P.s dahn the House O' Commons

We'd all love to lay one on 'em

Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips

Someone's gonna piss on their chips

Record company, nice as Pye

Punch 'em in the fucking eye

Tinker, tailor, soldier, Sailor

Meet us and you'll soon look paler

Soon you'll all be doin' bunks

Cos' you don't wanna mess with Nutter's punks

Anarchee In Clapham

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

I've got an 'andy fist

I am an anarchist

I know wot I've got

And you ain't gonna get it

I wanna destroy

The Nancy Boy

Cos' this

Is anarchee

In Clapham

Anarchy for Clapham

Are the buses on time, Blakey?

I never learnt to read a watch

All that stuff's too bleedin' posh

Cos' this

Is anarchee

In Clapham

Is this the AA?

Is this the RSPCA?

Is this C & A?

I thought it was RAK

Or just another company

Another can of Tennant's, see

Cos' this

Is anarchee

In Clapham

He's a gonner

Des O'Connor

Kipperus Nahfisticuffs

(from 'Hook Off!' album)

Really really dirty

Don't get bleedin' shirty

Really really sleazy

I know me 'air is greasy

Really really vio-lent

You will end ahp silent

So slags, scrubbers, pigs and puffs

Meet Kipperus Nahfisticuffs

Really really nasty

Get yer 'ands off Patsy

Really really naughty

No I'm not touching forty

Really really punky

Sue Lawley makes me spunky

So pohnces, nonces, mods and puffs

Meet Kipperus Nahfisticuffs

(I'm A) New Wave Nutter

(from 'Hook Off!' album)

I'm seein' knickers and bras when I'm dahn in the gutter

Sod off copper, I'm a new wave Nutter

I'm gonna smuvver me toast in loads of butter

Shat it sahnshine I'm a new wave Nutter

Cobblers Mr. Jewboy tailor, I don't want your schmutter

Stick it ahp your arse, I'm a new wave Nutter

Bollocks Mr. Tramp, can't spare any cutter

I kick to kill cos' I'm a new wave Nutter

Fack off Tony Jacklin and take your putter

Ram it dahn yer throat, I'm a new wave Nutter

Sieg Heil, Nazi Boy Ralf Hutter

I'm speedin' dahn your autobahn, I'm a new wave Nutter

Clapham Calling

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Clapham calling to you pohnces ahp North

We're declarin' war, mush, so you'd better cahm forth

Clapham calling to the taffs and the jocks

You might think you're nails, but Kipper are rock

Clapham calling the brave and the just

Phoney Beadlemania has bitten the dust

Clapham calling, we ain't gonna get nicked

But if you're against us you're gonna get kicked

The ice cream van's coming, mine's a 99

Meltdown expected, put two flakes in mine

The wankahs keep runnin', we'll catch 'em, no fear

Clapham is drowning in blood, sweat, and tears

Clapham calling to the imitation zone

The last gang in Lahndahn just wanna go home

Clapham calling, you bleedin' great spanner

'Ere, wot's this then? It's Nutter on pianner

Clapham calling, let's give 'em all hell

And shout rhyming slang to the sahnd of Bow Bells

Clapham calling, the mods and the rockers

An' especially that tahrt wiv the bleedin' great knockers

Middle age is coming, my beer-belly's zoomin' aht

Let's get dahn the pahb, I fink it's Timmy's shout

Order a few pints of old Watney's Red

An' after we've drahnk 'em, you're all fahckin' dead

I never felt so much like punchin' sahmone...

Oh Maud! (You Turn Me On)

(from 'Done Up Like A...' album)

Lavverly, lavverly

You make me knees go wobberly

You make 'em feel

Like jellied eels

Oh Maud! (You turn me on)

Corblimey corblimey

You make me pants go slimey

You make 'em feel like pie and mash

Oh Maud! (You turn me on)

Oh Maud

Good lord

Oh Maudy

Good lordy

The Blitz, the Blitz

I wanna touch your ladies' bits

I wanna feel your Eartha Kitts

Oh Maud! (You turn me on)

Kipper's Ready

From Clapham Common to the moons of Mordavia

I'm the master of vi-o-lent behaviour

20th Century Nutter Man

(sax burst)

The jellied eels leap into Old Father Thames

I'm eating Iced Gems

I'm coughing up phlegm

See you dahn the crem

(harpsichord solo)

The river has frozen, start skating

The ice queen is ready for mating

Double axel twist, here comes me fist!

Goblin teasmade, Goblin teasmade, sugar lumps, mumps!

(mellotron break)

I know what I like in me wardrobe

Waistcoat, 'Superstar' t-shirt, and bovver boots

Gawd bless the Queen - we lav 'er

Get Roger Dean to do the cover

And hats off to the Queen Mavver

Oi - Emery, Sprake, and harm 'er - shat it!

(guitar solo)

Here comes Petal dressed in drag

Some Yank has just called him a fag

I'm on the blag, in me jag

'ere Rita, you old slaaaag

(Hammond attack)

(strings)

Rivelino is Brazilian

I've read 'The Silmarillion'

My bird is on the blower, bleedin' wench

Drink up your mead, Kipper's ready

(lute outro)

An Eye For An Eye

(from 'Confessions' album)

An eye for an eye

And a tooth for a tooth

You'll have to visit Dr. Ruth

Cos' you'll 'ave to 'ave your nuts cut off

For noncing next door's dog

An ear for an ear

And a lip for a lip

You are going on a trip

To the darkest bowels of Hell

Your false idol, Carol Chell

Our Father, who art in Clapham

'allowed be thy name

Thy Kipperdom come!

See you at the Pearly King gates!

A throat for a throat

And a tongue for a tongue

You'll be sat on Satan's prong

Repent repent repent

It's a sin to be bent

Ah-bleedin'-men

Leave It Aht/Grand Finale

(from 'Timmy: A Cock Opera' album)

Punch me!

Kick me!

Slap me!

Kipper me!

Smack me!

Fist me!

Boot me!

Kipper me!

Yeah I know that you think that the kids are alright

You bleedin' nonce, now it's time for a fight

You like 'em best when they're deaf, dumb and blind

Is that a confession that you've just signed?

Oi - leave it aht!

Timmy can you feel me?

Timmy can you touch me?

Timmy can you grope me?

Timmy

Timmy can you feel me?

Timmy can you touch me?

Timmy can you grope me?

Timmy

He's right behind you

You'll get excited

He's right behind you

You'll get what you need

He's right behind you

You'll lahv it dahlin'

He's right behind you

You'll bleedin' lahv it you dirty cah

(repeat to fade)

Dave, Bill, Frank And Me

(from 'Done Up Like A...' album)

Dave, Bill, Frank and me

Will see you dahn the infirmary

Dave 'as got a bit of finger missin'

When 'e tells a joke you'd better listen

That ain't the Pope's ring Petal's been kissin'

Dave, Bill, Frank and me

Will see you dahn the infirmary

Bill is one of three real 'erberts

He really puts away the sherbet

There's a cat ahp the Post Office Tower - curb it!

Dave, Bill, Frank and me

Will see you dahn the infirmary

Frank is tellin' Paddy jokes

He's 'alfway through a pack of smokes

We're 'arder than your average blokes

Dave, Bill, Frank and me

Will see you dahn the infirmary

Cor, it's World War fahckin' Three

Dave, Bill, Frank and me

Dungeons Of Despair

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

Dahn in the dungeons of despair

Where moonglow beams slit through the air

And eyeball bugs flit everywhere

I fink abaht my darlin'

Dripping walls are slick with slime

I dream of orange, lemon, lime

It's like when I was doin' time

I'd lahv a pint of Carling

Crow sits silent, perched at window

Peaceful like a mystic Hindu

Reminds me of a bird called Linda

Fat as Brando, Marlon

Chubby does a fifties twist

Oskar Schindler writes 'is list

Yehudi gives a bit of fist

Really, really vi-o-lin

Starvation Nation

(from 'Slammin' The Famine' album)

Kipper, Kipper everywhere

And all your stomachs shrink

Kipper, Kipper everywhere

And naff all left to drink

You should get yerself some pie and mash - lavverly stuff

You should buy some jellied eels or some plum duff

You should try some Watneys, Carlsberg or some Bass

But all you do is lahnge abaht, get up off your arse

Starvation Nation

Not bleedin' surprised

Starvation Nation

I can't believe me mince pies

Geldof, Ure, Le Bon and Boy George

Giving 'em cash for nosh to gorge

Collins bashin' on 'is drums

Get ahp sahnshine, off yer bums

Starvation Nation

Not bleedin' surprised

Starvation Nation

I can't believe me mince pies

You should get dahn the allotments mate

Grab some spuds and runner beans, they taste great

Get some home brew on the go

Get a bleedin' move on, slow-mo

Starvation Nation

Not bleedin' surprised

Starvation Nation

I can't believe me mince pies

Food, glorious food!

Eat, drink, and get pissed

Or you'll feel my bleedin' fist

Straight Out Of Clapham

(from 'Done Up Like A...' album)

Straight out of Clapham

Into your hearts

Straight out of Clapham

Fightin', booze, and tarts

Straight out of Clapham

Off our 'eads

Straight out of Clapham

Scuffles, fags, and beds

(chanted) K-I-P-P-E-R

The hardest. most vi-o-lent band we are

Straight out of Clapham

Real diamond blokes

Straight out of Clapham

Pie, mash, and smokes

Straight out of Clapham

Into your hearts

Straight out of Clapham

Fightin', booze, and tarts

Down The Wharf

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

Whitechapel watch aht

Cos' me mate Jack's abaht

He'll caht you ahp a treat and tear your liver aht

So you'd better watch your backs

You dirty filthy hooker

He's almost as 'ard as me

The nasty bleedin' fahcker

But me I ain't bovvered

Cos' I'm strangling a dwarf

That's what I do when I'm

Dahn The Wharf

'Oo is the mystery man

Prahlin' rahnd at night?

Thru the foggy Lahndahn streets

Where it ain't too bright

If you ever meet 'im

It's your internal organs you will lack

Put your 'ands tagevver for me old mate Jack

But me I ain't bovvered

Cos' I'm strangling a dwarf

That's what I do when I'm

Dahn The Wharf

Workhouse Lock In

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

Please sir! Can I 'ave some more?

No you bleedin' can't, you should be 'appy bein' poor

They say these conditions are bleedin' shockin'

Rabbish, sahnshine, let's 'ave a workhouse lock in

Workhouse lock in!

Shut them doors

Workhouse lock in!

For debtors, urchins and whores

Eat yer gruel

Or I'll start gettin' cruel

Please sir! Can I 'ave my freedom?

No you bleedin' can't, you've got shackles cos' you need 'em

There's a bit of bovver, the whole place is a rockin'

Knahckledahsters on, it's a workhouse lock in

Workhouse lock in!

Shut them doors

Workhouse lock in!

For debtors, urchins and whores

Marshmallow Mix Up

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

Caht ahp a treat

Sliced off 'er arms

'n then 'er feet

Smavvered 'er insides

All over the walls

'Er 'ead's on the mantlepiece

'Er legs in the hall

A right 'eartless cah

Wiv no brains to boot

Silly slaaag has got

Blood on me suit

Barbecue time

Wiv some ale to sup

Bleedin' 'ell, that's not 'er eyeball

It's a marshmallow mix up!

I See The Kipper Has Struck Again, Guvnor

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

Narrator (Richard Baker): In Old London Town, along the foggy banks of Olde Father Thames, in the back alleys of Whitechapel lurks...

JACK THE KIPPER (female scream of terror)

AWLRIGHT!

1st whore (Lorraine Chase): I see the Kipper has struck again, guvnor.

Can I tickle your belly? Ooh, you saucy devil

Jack (Nutter Normington): I'll do the tickling, my pretty polly

Wiv me big steel blade, by golly, by golly

JACK THE KIPPER

(accompanied by the sound of female shrieking, and ripping of clothes and flesh)

AWLRIGHT!

'Pig' (Garfield Morgan): Down here at Old Scotland Yard

We're baffled and beaten by that Jack, who's so hard

Jack (Nutter Normington): Too bleedin' right you'll never get me, copper

I'm Jack The Kipper, and I'm done up proper!

JACK THE KIPPER

(accompanied by cheering of the working man, for defeating the law)

AWLRIGHT!

2nd whore (Patsy Rowlands): I see the Kipper has struck again, guvnor.

Can I unbuckle your britches? Ooh, you cheeky so-and-so

Jack (Nutter Normington): I'll unbuckle you, you strumpet whore

That's what this big chopper of mine is for

JACK THE KIPPER

(accompanied by the sound of female shrieking, and ripping of clothes and flesh)

AWLRIGHT!

Lahndahn Pahnks

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

Bethnal Green - Gawd bless the Queen

Hackney Central - bleedin' mental

King's Cross, St. Pancras - fahckin' wankahs

Bromley-By-Bow - let it go, Blow!

(punk sax)

Lahndahn pahnks

They call us Kipper

More fightin', fanks

Chancery Lane - we've gone insane

Tooting Bec - bloomin' 'eck

Lahndahn Bridge - there's a beer in the fridge

Hackney Wick - Timmy, give it sahm stick!

(drum solo)

Lahndahn pahnks

They call us Kipper

More fightin', fanks

Sloane Square - toffs rahnd there

Belsize Park - too safe after dark

Hampstead Heath - not my scene, chief

Shepherd's Bush - more like it, mush

Eric, play the bass, you wankah!

(bass interlude)

Lahndahn pahnks

They call us Kipper

More fightin', fanks

Mile End - Nutter ain't your friend

Clapham South - shaht your mouth

Clapham Central - does your surgeon do dental?

Clapham Common - Petal sahn, bomb 'em!

(guitar freakout)

Lahndahn pahnks

They call us Kipper

More fightin', fanks

Roadside Caff Rumble

(from 'Kipper' album')

Drivin' rahnd Britain, in our transit van

Kipper on tour, you gotta be there, man

We get a bit peckish, we ain't in no hurry

'Ere Zombie, park ahp, let's go for a Ruby

Bellies rumblin', we stroll in the caff

But there's sahm geezers at our table, one of 'em's a Taff

It's the Wrestling Nancy Boys, they're 'avin' a mumble

Blimey, time for a roadside caff rumble

(chorus) We ain't got time for a fumble, darlin'

Or a slice of apple crumble

We're 'ere for a bit of rough and tumble

takin' on the Nancy Boys, a roadside caff rumble

O.k. Sid, egg and chips all rahnd

I'll 'ave beans wiv mine, it'll only cost yer a pahnd

'Ere, them Wrestling Nancy Boys 'ave nicked the HP Sauce

Fists ready, lads, can you feel the force?

(chorus)

"Oi lahv, do you do eel pie?", I ask a waitress called Mabel

Before thumping Revlon over the 'ead wiv the leg of a table

We only came aht for a nice bit of nosh

'Ood 'ave believed we'd end ahp using the cosh?

(chorus to fade)

Kipper Than Thou

(from 'Confessions' album)

Jonah's the old geezah

'Oo got ate by a whale

Silly fahckin' bleeder

Now where's me crate of ale?

(chorus)

Biff! Bang! Pow!

We're Kipper than thou

Let him who is without sin

Get his fahckin' 'ead kicked in

The Nancy Boys are our rivals

It says so in the Bible

Believe in the Good Book

Or I'll thump you wiv a left hook

Biff! Bang! Pow!

We're Kipper than thou

Let him who is without sin

Get his fahckin' 'ead kicked in

I'v got a snake called Monty

And a dog called Rover

See that Whore Of Babylon

Phwooooaaar, get your leg Jeh-ovah

Biff! Bang! Pow!

We're Kipper than thou

Let him who is without sin

Get his fahckin' 'ead kicked in

Joseph's got his coloured coat

And Jacob's got his ladder

Gertcha dahn church this Sahnday

Or I'll kick you in the bladder

Biff! Bang! Pow!

We're Kipper than thou

Let him who is without sin

Get his fahckin' 'ead kicked in

Biff! Bang! Wallop!

Mary Magdalene's a trollop

Stupid silly cah

We're Kipper than thou

Old Kent Road

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Cor blimey!

Me trahble's cahmin' ahp the apples

She'll be causin' me grief

Voice like the sahnd o' Bow Bells

'Ope you ain't got one like 'er at home, chief

She'd better 'ave my tea ready

Or aht the house she'll be throwed

I suppose she can always ply 'er trade

Dahn the Old Kent morse code

Stroll on!

Clint Eastwood's the daddy

'E's the bloke wiv no name

Baht 'e's started making pohnces' films nah

Wot's 'is bleedin' game?

I reckon 'e's best in them spaghetti westerns

Wiv Lee van Cleef and Woody Strode

One day we'll see 'em ridin'

Dahn the Old Kent commode

Do the Lambeff Walk!

The Wrestling Nancy Boys are fans of West Ham

No wahnder they call 'em 'The Irons'

Give me Gerry Francis any day

'E looks a real man wiv 'is England tie on

Let's 'ave a Kipper cheer

For the lads dahn Loftus Road

And shaht for the Rangers

Dahn the Old Kent frog and toad

Blow Your Cover

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

(lyrics and vocals by special guest 'Dr. Beat'; music by Blow)

Canvas-in-blue - sirocco-haze

Jaaaaaz-it ----- taste the desert air. You will sheikh in the night.

Soldier of fortune with the golden horn. Play it all night long.

Cooooool! Breeeeeeze!

Sacred temples can't hold back the bullets

The sand shifts. Time stands still.

Jaaaaaz-it - taste the desert air

Canvas-in-blue - sirocco-haze

Petal To The Mettle

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Wit a foot in both camps

I'll pull the wick from your lamps

I'll put the wind back in your sails

I'll make you as hard as nails

(chorus)

Petal to the metal

Ooh baby you sure are in fine fettle

With my hands in both pockets

I'm a settin' off rockets

I'm a demon of corruption

I'm a causin' an eruption

(chorus)

I got my G-string nice'n'tauter

Ready for a solo? I think you oughtta

Watch my fretboard as I spank it

I get my rocks off when I...

(chorus)

P-E-T-A-L

I'm a happy camper

So go to hell!

Eric's Ruck

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Me name's Eric Maynard

And I play the bass

I've got lots of hair

All over my face

Hartlepool-born

Rock'n'roll-bred

If you cross Kipper

You'll wind up dead

(chorus)

Never mind the jellied eels

Where's me pease puddin'?

If you want a fight with me

You'd better be a good 'un

They always say it's grim up North

But what about the South?

You ponces from down there

I'll punch you in the mouth

Me little lad's called Liam

He's the light of me life

But his mum's a slapper

So she can't be my wife

Roses are red

Violets are blue

If you slag Kipper

We're gonna hurt you

(chorus)

Nutter told me

To write this song

I ain't done one before

Hope I don't get it wrong

I'm sure you'll like it

Sure as eggs is eggs

If you hate Kipper

You'll end up with no legs

(chorus to fade)

Zombie Attack

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

My name is Zombie

I've got a Crombie

Attack!

Aaaaaaaaaiieeeeeee!!!

Bastards!

Javelin Jive

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Everybody's doin' the javelin jive

Just like they did back in '55

Slickin' back their hair, polishin' boots

I'm sat at 'ome wiv me plates ahp, watchin' 'Roots'

In comes me missus wiv a nice cold beer

While sahm native geezer is chuckin' a spear

When the scene is recreated on me drive

A right bunch of 'erberts doin' the javelin jive

Well I sees red and slips on me knahckledahsters

They're gonna get what Jerry got in 'The Dambusters'

I don't care if 'e was related to Doctor Who

Nutter is gonna exterminate you!

Showaddywaddy, Racey, the Rubettes and the like

Can all fahck off - go on, get on yer bike

Revivalist claptrap, we'll 'ave none of it rahnd 'ere

Gave me missus a slap cos' she'd not chilled me beer

So Mr. Air Raid Warden, get yer 'elmet on

Sod off in yer Tardis wiv yer namesake Jon

All you time-travellin' teddy boys get on board

Nutter is the only one 'oo's got the right to be a Lord

I'm sittin' back dahn to watch more of 'Roots'

Get me missus to wipe the blood off me boots

Just like she did back in '75

Nutter ain't doin' the javelin jive

You slaaaaaaags!

Wallop!

Bovver Boys And Dolly Birds

(from 'Done Up Like A...' album)

Dick Emery, that'll make yer 'Ampton sore

Nina Carter, get 'em off, you filthy whore

(chorus)

Bovver Boys and Dolly Birds

Make the Cockernee world go rahnd

Bovver Boys and Dolly Birds

Get your lighters, three for a pahnd

The Sweeney ain't as 'ard as Nutter 'ere

Pan's People, if you ain't 'ard you must be queer

(chorus)

Henry Cooper, Reggie and Ronnie Kray, the Richardsons, no not Sandy

Barbara Windsor, Judy Geeson, Wendy Richards, stop yer teasin'

John Bindon, Alan Lake, Frank McLintock, yer legs they'll break

Diane Keen, Susan Stranks, Nyree Dawn Porter, you'll do fanks

(chorus)

Altogevver nah

Bovver Boys - kick to kill

Dolly Birds - on the pill

Bovver Boys - ahp for ruckin'

Dolly Birds - ready for...

"naughty naughty"

Punch Drunk

(from 'Bunch Of Fives' e.p.)

(theme from Thames T.V.'s 'Tuesday Night Punch Up')

'Enery's 'ammer won't put 'im in the slammer

Cos 'e's gone legit, you stupid great tit

He's dahn Cassius Clay and those avver puffs

'E only lost cos they fiddled wiv the avver bloke's gloves

(chorus)

Henry Cooper

What a bleedin' knockout trooper

Give 'im a knighthood, your Majesty

Start the count, 1-2-3

The great smell of Brut

The lavverly cheeky grin

He'll land his left hook

On your chin

There's only one geezer

Who puts Henry on the ropes

That's me, The Clapham Nutter

You bleedin' dopes

(chorus)

She Loves It Up The Old Kent Road

(from 'You Can't Kipper Good Band Down' album)

She likes it in the Shepherd's Bush

She don't mind it in the Dartford Tunnel

She's partial to it in the Putney Bridge

But she loves it up the Old Kent Road

She likes it in the Crystal Palace

She don't mind it in the Hyde Park Corner

She's partial to it in the Marble Arch

But she loves it up the Old Kent Road

You can stick yer King's Road, sahn

You can keep yer Strand, geezer

You can stuff yer Pall Mall, pal

She loves it up the Old Kent Road

Land Of The Rising Fist

(b-side of 'All Kipper, No Flipper!')

Aah so...

Shove it ahp yer aah so

Kendo Nagasaki

And Suzuki

Emperor Hirohito

Yoko Ono

Banzai bonsai

Mitsubishi

Hara kiri

You so sirry

Tokyo - oh-kee-koke-ee-o

What the fahck is sushi?

Pearl bleedin' 'Arbor

What a palaver

Sands of Iwo Jima

Hiroshima

Bert Kwouk, Bert Kwouk

Chop Chop Fooey

A geisha in Asia

Is a slag in Clapham

Mount Fuji, bullet trains

Borrocks, borrocks, borrocks

Bridge on the River Kwai

You work Johnny or you die

Yamaha, Honda and Matsui

Sumo is for pohnces in nappies as well!

Wahnkas!

Bow Bells Bust-up

(from 'Hook Off!' album)

There's a riot goin' on

Dahn in Bow

Wherever there's vi-o-lence

Kipper 'ave to go

In the middle of a ruck

Me 'air ain't mussed up

Nutter don't give a fuck

It's a Bow Bells bust-up

Me and my mate Terry

Hear the bells of Mungo Jerry

Ten pints dahn the Legion

To the bells of Lieutenant Pigeon

You'll end ahp in chokey

Say the bells of Smokie

Baht a scrap makes you feel good

Reply the bells of Mud

Tear aht 'is gizzard

To the sahnd of the bells of Wizzard

'E's a bleedin' goner

Say the bells of Althia and Donna

When it comes to fightin'

Kipper put the boot right in

Kip Up Fatty

Hey fatty bum bum

Let me tell you somefink

You are a bleedin' disgrace

Always feedin' your face

Try a Nutter diet

No really you should try it

You'll lose a stone or four

When you're eatin' through a straw

Hey fatty tum tum

You putrid lump of lard

Wiv yer misshaped leggings

Ain't no use in begging

Try a Nutter diet

No really you should try it

You'll lose a stone or four

When you're eatin' through a straw

Fat people ain't got no reason

Fat people ain't got no reason to live

They got pudgy fingers and wobbly bellies

They lahnge arahnd eatin' donuts and watchin' telly

Out of breaf jahst openin' the fridge door

Being overweight should be against the law

Don't want no fat people rahnd 'ere

Hey fatty bum bum

You chocolate-munching freakshow

You'll lose a stone or four

When you're eatin' through a straw

Patchouli Cadaver

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

"a jellied eel in a polyfeen bag is fahckin' bollocks - got it!"

Corpse of a greb

Dragged thru' the streets of Clapham

His own bike chain

Wrapped arahnd his scrawny throat

I'm back in me pad

Champagne replaced by Watney's Red Barrel

No charlie for me

Just ten number 6 and an ounce of Old Holborn

It just ain't real

Them seagulls 'ave dumped on me Capri

Wait for the rain

I need to run naked to the chip shop

Broken bottles on wall tops

Rollerskates crush the soul of sanity

String vests and saveloys

Are all that remain of the old days

Are we being served?

The queue is full of fakes'n'pigs

I need more vinegar

Don't shoot the messenger, cries an orphan

Corpse of a greb

Dragged thru' the streets of Clapham

Hoist by his own petard

No more the pearly king is he

The Fist Cut Is The Deepest

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Two sparkling black eyes

And a lavverly pair of broken thighs

Silky 'air, pulled aht by the roots

You look gorgeous on the end of my bovver boots

(chorus)

The fist cut is the deepest

Baby, you know

The fist cut is the deepest

When it comes to being rucky, I'm first

When it's time for a domestic, you cahm orf worst

'Ere, girl, stop your bleedin' chatterin'

Or it'll be time for anuvver session of wife-batterin'

Mind your manners, stop bein' so rude

Or you'll learn to like the taste of 'ospital food

(chorus)

Blimey, she went and called the cops on me

When I slapped 'er across the chops for not makin' me tea

So now I'm dahn the Scrubs, but when I get aht

I know where I'm 'eading, and 'oo's gonna get a clout

(chorus)

Aussie Birds/Cockfosters

(from 'Timmy: A Cock Opera' album)

Bondi Beach is aht of reach

So I'll see you on Sarfend pier

And I don't give a Castlemaine 4X

If the water ain't too clear

Stuff yer Dennis Lillee, we've got Peter Willey

Kangaroos ain't a patch on badgers

Rolf 'Arris is a nonce, Dame Edna is a pohnce

Clive James ain't got no nadgers

(chorus)

But I lahv Aussie birds

Then again I like a bit of Kiwi

I'm always up for a Springbok slapper

Or a frog whose name is Fifi

Well Germaine Greer might turn you queer

But then along comes some crackin' Sheila

She'll do anyfink your 'eart desires

After 'alf a pint of tequila

Ned bleedin' Kelly was a tinpot Nelly

Ayers Rock is a pile of rahbble

Great Barrier Reef? Don't give me grief

Cross us and you're in for trahbble

(chorus)

Pacman Wizard

(from 'Timmy: A Cock Opera' album)

Ever since I was a young boy

I'd dreamt of Auckland tahn

I'd go dahn to the library

And jot the details dahn

Abaht its population, its location

And the like

It came as a real surprise when

I couldn't get there by bike

I needed some dosh to get there

So I did my best to gerrit

I went ahp North to Barnsley

And got meself a ferret

I taught it how to scuffle

And put it in a scrap

But it got it's 'ead bitten off

Cos' it was bleedin' crap

I was walking back from the bloodbath

When I passed the amusement arcade

I 'ad two bob left in me pocket

Which wiv blood and guts was sprayed

I popped the silver in the slot

Me mind whirling like a blizzard

The little bloke went munch, beep, munch

Now I'm the Pacman Wizard

(chorus)

I'm a Pacman Wizard

When I'm not gettin' pissed

And the Pacman Wizard's

Got such a sahpple wrist

How do you fink 'e dahs it?

How cahm 'e's so 'ard?

So now I'm off to Auckland

Wellington and Otago

So loaded I took me mates along

Wiv our birds stashed in the cargo

Always watch the replays

When Queen's Park Rangers score

New Zealand! New Zealand!

The Loftus Road faithful roar

(chorus)

(mad piano coda, to fade)

I'm The Sixth Wife Of 'Enery The Eighth I Am (On Ice)

(b-side of 'Kipper's Ready')

Henry VIII (Nutter Normington): In the Hampton Court maze, I got me 'ampton caught

And my 'eart was stolen by a damsel 'oo ought

To be kept locked ahp cos' she's so bleedin' lavverly

I'd lahv to take 'er 'ome to make me squeak go bahbbly

6th Wife (Rita Webb): Watch your mush you dirty little sod

You may be king, but you're not God

You may 'ave your own church and plenty of cash

But I've 'eard as well that it's the bishop you bash

Cardinal Wolsley (Henry McGee): Do you take this woman to be your awful wedded wife?

Nutter: I do, she'll make a lavverly trahble and strife

Rita: O.k. maestro, bang yer mellotron

Nah shaht it Tudor, and get yer skates on

(waltz-like mellotron solo)

Nutter: Off wiv 'er 'ead, she's 'ardly Sonja Henie

She's more like that geezer off Crossroads, Benny

Rita: Shaht it fatty, you ain't gettin' a slice

I ain't the new 'ead on the block, I'm Queen of the ice

Nutter: Cahm on lahv I was only 'avin' a larf

So watch yer bleedin' Norf'n'Sarf

All: Stick it in yer family...album!

My New Bird's A Tiddly Wink

(from 'Kipper' album)

All we are saying is give vi-o-lence a chance

Instant camera catches warm chicken in a trance

Middle class wankahs can't join me for a drink

And my new bird's a tiddly wink

I met 'er dahn the Chinese

Near the fishing tackle shop

I tried to show me rod to 'er

And she gave me a karate chop

All we are saying...

I arsked 'er aht so I could try me luck

I was aht to get a Peking Duck

The trahbble wiv 'avin' a Chinese lahvver

Is ten minutes later you fahncy annuver

All we are saying...

I didn't mean to 'urt 'er

I'm sorry that I made 'er cry

I drove 'er dahn the accident and emergency

I'm jahst a vi-o-lent guy

Michael Berk

(from 'Slammin' The Famine' album)

Michael Buerk, Michael Berk

Drives Nutter 'ere bleedin' berserk

Always rabbitin' on abaht sahm starvin' geezah

Do like I do - stock yer food ahp in a freezer

Iceland, Bejam, Farmfoods too

Frozen kebabs, a pahnd for two

Chicken drummers, lavverly pies

World-class fish fingers from Captain Birdseye

Potato croquettes, pizzas 'n' curries

Loads of 'em left - skinny ribs? No worries

Michael Buerk, Michael Berk

Suggest to 'em to find sahm work

Sittin' rahnd in the sahnshine, toppin' ahp their tans

When they should be dahn the supermarket, checkin' aht the damaged cans

Aldi, Lidl, the market too

Big bags o' spuds, a pahnd for two

Cockles 'n' mussels, tins of beans

And those smashing pink biscuits, made by Peak Freans

So get yerself sorted like Nutter, I insist

Or else you'll be eatin' my fahckin' fist!

Eel Pie

(from 'Slammin' The Famine' album)

Nutter and the gang, we've all got mullets

'Ere in Africa shovin' food dahn our gullets

But 'ave you clapped eyes on the locals? I ain't seen many ropier

Ain't McDonalds opened ahp a branch in Ethiopia?

Look at that geezer wiv the big bloated belly

Jahst like the ones Bob Geldof showed on telly

If 'e don't eat samfink soon, 'e'll die

Now where's me pint of Watneys and me mum's eel pie?

Send yer money in, or we'll kick you wiv a clog

What's yer favourite type of music - prog?

Genesis, King Crimson, and E.L.P.

Nah mate, Ginsters, king prawns, and eel pie!

Give Wales Back To The Welsh

(from 'Kipper' album)

Aboriginies aht in the bush

In Oz, not Shepherd's, you got me mush?

Boney's got his boomerang

Eric's got a monkey to hang

Meanwhile back in Llan-whatever

Some Taff who's name is probably Trevor

Is moanin' cos' 'e wants his country back

Keep yer Welsh 'air on or you'll get an English smack

(chorus)

Give Wales back to the Welsh

Give Scotland back to the Scots

Give Ireland back to the Irish

Then shoot the bleedin' lot

We won the war for you leek munchers

We won the war for you haggis munchers

We won the war for you bog-trottin' munchers

Nah get a load of our English punches

(chorus)

There'll always be an England

We'll fly the English flag

Stick yer dragon ahp yer Merthyr Tydfil

You stupid daffodil-wavin' slaaaaag

Sheena Is A Cleaner

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

Last night she said

"I'm bleedin' knackered

I feel worn aht

I'm on me feet all day"

What did I say?

"You lazy fahckin' cah

Get yer Marigolds on

Get dhan the pahb and polish them aprils* and aunties**

(chorus)

My mavver she don't understand

My Gwan she don't understand

My Ancle he don't understand

Sheena is a cleaner

Awlright!

She'd been dahn on 'er knees 1-5, 15 hours now

Serves 'er bleedin' right

She looks like shite

I'm goin' aht all night

Polish these ashtrays darlin'

And empty them glasses

Stupid bleedin' brasser

Pick that nub end ahp

(chorus)

My bookie he don't understand

My barrer boy he don't understand

My bit on the side, she don't understand

Sheena is a cleaner

Awlright!

Knuckles

(from 'You Can't Kipper Good Band Down' album)

'Ackney Marshes was where 'e was born and bred

'E 'ad a heart of gold and a real thick head

Abused as a kid and walloped wiv an 'ammer

Left 'im wiv one leg and a t-t-terrible stammer

Dahn the gym all night an' day

One-legged skipping faster than Cassius Clay

An 'arder left than 'Enery's 'ammer

The world's greatest fightin' cripple, wiv a t-t-terrible stammer

(chorus)

You've got to know when to pahnch 'em

Know when to crahnch 'em

Know when to use your nut

And kick 'em in the cobblers

'E dan the rahnds and put in the hours

Slapped 'is bird and bought 'is mavver sahm flowers

Took on Frazier in a bout in Alabama

The hopping cockney wiv the t-t-terrible stammer

On the way 'ome, on the plane, wiv the crown

On that fateful night the iron bird went dahn

In the hurricane over old Alabama

The omniped kid wiv the t-t-terrible stammer

(chorus to fade)

An Eye For An Eye

(from 'Confessions' album)

Hands up who wants eel pie!

In the driver seat I'm waitin'

Cos' me dolly bird's 'air needs straightenin'

An' I'm sick and tired of sittin' 'ere like a poof

So it's an eye for an eye

And a tooth for a tooth

Call me impatient and uncouth

But that cah is gonna die

In the passenger seat she's slidin'

And me bird's gonna get a good hidin'

I'll knock 'er block right through the roof

An eye for an eye

And a tooth for a tooth

I've been offendin' since I was a youth

And that cah is gonna die

In the back seat she's a bleedin'

A & E is what she's needin'

And this scotch is 60% proof

An eye for an eye

And a tooth for a tooth

Vodka, gin, rum and vermouth

And that cah deserved to die

I'm afraid I want eel pie

Cross

(from 'Confessions' album)

The only cross I'm bovvered abaht

Is the one in Crossroads motel

And if you don't like Meg Mortimer

You're bound for bleedin' 'ell

It's a shame she can't 'eal Sandy though

But she don't need miracles wiv loaves and fishes

Cos' Shughie McPhee will sort that aht

And Miss Luke will do the dishes

Cross, cross, I'm bleedin' cross

Jim Baines is dahn the local

'E's gone and won the blaady pools

And bought the garage off Go-Col

Mac is black, I want me spanner back

What's wrong wiv Alison's ear?

David Hunter is a diamond punter

Adam Chance is Wigan Pier

Cross, cross, I'm bleedin' cross

Jim Baines is dahn the local

'E's gone and won the blaady pools

And bought the garage off Go-Col

Ah-bleedin'-men

And I didn't even mention Benny, eevver

The Fog Descendeth

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

Cor blimey guv, it's a real pea souper

Traipsin' all over tahn, you're a bloomin' trooper

Cahttin' 'em ahp a bleedin' treat

Then 'ome to soak your plates of meat

The fog descendeth

Their lives endeth

The Good Lord sendeth

I take away

Let's 'ave a cockney knees ahp

Annaver whore is dead

God bless Jack The Ripper

And fahck off 'ome to bed

The fog cahms dahn

Caroli is a clahn

Me ale is brahn

Let's go ahp tahn

...err...the fog descendeth

(audible mumble) will that do?

Watchoo Lookin' At?

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

Saucy Jack

Back

On the attack

Carvin' ahp a slaht

Wearin' me new top hat

Watchoo

Watchoo lookin' at?

Eatin' an apple

Watch me grapple

Dahn Whitechapel

Like W.G. Grace cahmin' aht to bat

Shaht yer 'ole, yer bleedin' twat

Watchoo

Watchoo lookin' at?

In me whistle and flute

Puttin' in the boot

Knifin' a prostitute

From Billingsgate, buy an 'alibut

Queen Victoria's married to Prince Albert

Watchoo

Watchoo lookin' at?

You'll never take me ahlive, peeler

Gorilla Suite

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

William it was really somefink

When you dressed ahp as a gorilla

A bleedin' great big silverback

Of our community you are the pillar

You came 'ome from the train station

Along the Clapham High Street

Wiv yer 'ead tucked underneath yer arm

And your big flappin' 'airy feet

(yelled) Strings, maestro!

(interlude of 'Waltz Of The Apes', a classical piece by Normington/Blow)

I'm jahst a cockney

Nobody lahvs me

Spare us a pony

So I can get a cahp of tea

Easy come, easy Blow

Will you shaht it Flo?

She will not no (do not shaht it Flo)

Bleedin' shaht it Flo

She will not no (do not shaht it Flo)

No, no, no, no, no, no, yes

Bleedin' Nora, bleedin' Nora

Has the coppahs got it in for me, for me, for me?

(Petal guitar solo)

Meanwhile back in Clapham

Bill is looking jaded

He's still got 'is 'umourous style

But 'is good looks ain't 'alf faded

Then again 'e 'as to put ahp wiv

Timmy and Sid Noggett

No wonder e's turned ahp in

"Oh No! It's Selwyn Froggitt"

Monkeys, gorillas, chimpanzees, orang-utans, gibbons, marmosets, bonobos

We lahv 'em don't we!

Errr...Jack The Ripper does too, but 'e 'ates slaaaags

Down The Dogs

(from 'Done Up Like A...' album)

There's a place in Clapham where we all like to go

An' 'ave ourselves a little flutter

It's called the dog track, see, and when the bookies clock me

They know they're gonna be payin' aht to your old mate Nutter

Dahn the dogs

Ain't no Eyeties, Krahts or Frogs

Dahn the dogs

My old lady's a bleedin' liability

At gamblin' and studyin' form, she ain't got no ability

She put all the housekeepin' on Mick The Miller

It came in fourth - when I get 'ome, I'll bleedin' kill 'er

Dahn the dogs

Ain't no norvverners wearin' clogs

Dahn the dogs

On them greyhounds, there's 'ardly a bit of meat

I usually bet on nahmber two, 'e cahts the others ahp a treat

His name's Killer Kipper, put yer 'and in his maaaaf if you dare

'E's even been known to savage the electric hare

Dahn the dogs

(CENSORED BY RACE RELATIONS BOARD)

Dahn the dogs

Martin's Martens

(from 'Done Up Like A...' album)

Doctor, doctor, there's sammink wrong

I'll tell you all abaht it in this 'ere song

I can't eat, drink, fight, or bleedin' sleep

And I can't get these boots off me plates of meat

I gottem off this geezer on Petticoat Lane

He looked like a wizard and was bleedin' insane

He said these boots is magic, like

So I kicked 'im in the cobblers and got on me bike

Nah I don't get a second's peace

I'm non-stop kickin' in people's teef

I can't stop brawlin' and stompin' on 'eads

I filled 3 hospitals - they're runnin' aht of beds

Who was the geezer on Petticoat Lane

He had a magic wand and was bleedin' insane

He's put a blaady curse on me

I can't stop bootin' everyone I see

We'll Meat Again (And I'll Punch Yer 'Ead In)

(from 'Done Up Like A...' album)

There'll be dolly birds over

The white cliffs of Clapham

10 pints of Watney's

No lip or we slap 'em

Off dahn the butchers

To get me some lard

Don't mess wiv Nutter

I'm so bleedin' 'ard

(chorus)

We'll meat again

And I'll punch yer 'ead in

Yes I'll punch yer 'ead right in any bleedin' day

A nice beef stew

No pork, cos' Petal's a Jew

But 'e really likes 'is meat

And 'e's not gay

(chanted)

We'll meat again, and I'll punch yer 'ead in

Kipper - oi

Kipper Kipper Kipper

Kick to kill!

Shaaaaat it you slaaaaaag!

Business As Usual?

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

Welcome to your nightmare!

Big-Eyed Beans from Clapham

The River Watney flows and ebbs

Buttons gleam on pearly queen

Painter man, decorator man

Vagabond, tea leaf

We'll kick you in the fahckin' teef

A poet's soul evaporates

Old Joanna's ivory keys resemble a gaping maw

Trout, herring, tench, shark

Kipper?

Business as usual...

Mahnday mornin' ahp wiv the lark

Look aht me window an' it's still dark

Pull on me trahsers and put on me donkey jacket

Gotta go to work to collect me pay packet

Dahn on the sites, puttin' ahp walls

The only relief is the whistles and cat-calls

Me great fuzzy barnet makes me 'ard 'at keep slippin'

A fag an' a cuppa 'elp me stop kippin'

It's 'ard graft ahp this ladder, and I'm covered in plaster

"'Arry ahp" says the foreman, but I can't go any faster

I'm too busy dreamin' of bein' a star

And cruisin' arahnd wiv sahm dollies in me car

.......and guess what?

It only went an' bleedin' 'appened!

Ahp on stage

Playin' the keys wiv me arse

Nahmber one in the charts

Kipper are bleedin' first clarse

Fightin' and shaggin'

And fightin' again

But the sheer adulation has sent me INSANE.........

(chorus)

Business as usual?

Annaver bleedin' gig

Business as usual?

Beatin' ahp a pig

Business as usual?

Pickin' ahp a tart

Business as usual?

I suffer for me art.....

Help me....

Don't let them brick me in....

Help me....

Me bonce is in a spin....

Showbiz chums and me

Drinkin' all day

The cast of 'The Sweeney'

And 'Play Away'

Pahnchin' sahm geezer

'Oo arsks for me autograph

Leave it aht sahnshine

It was only a larf

Ahp before the beak

You've got a bleedin' cheek

The pendulum doth creak

(chorus)

Whatever 'appened to the good old times?

Building sites and petty crimes

Cahncil ahse and pie'n'mash

Nah it's a mansion and piles of cash....

Help me!!!!

Shanga Langa Ranga Dang

(from 'Done Up Like A...' album)

(football terrace-type hanclaps)

(clap-clap, clap-clap-clap, clap-clap-clap-clap)

(shouted) Kipper!

(repeat)

(power-chord guitar intro)

Shang-a-lang-lang-a-ranga-danga-danga

My new bird looks like an orang-utanga

Bop-bop-a-lula-rama-lama-lama

Blimey, 'er face is like a bag of spanners

We're the 'ardest gang in Lahndahn

Kipper is our name

So Nancy Boys, move over

What's your bloomin' game

You lookin' for sahm trahble?

Don't trespass on our mahnor

Shang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang

A-rang-a-dang-a-danga

Shang-a-lang-lang-a-ranga-danga-danga

My new bird looks like an orang-utanga

Bop-bop-a-lula-rama-lama-lama

Blimey, 'er face is like a bag of spanners

(melee of piano, guitar, drums, sax, sampled Radio 2 Q.P.R. football commentaries and sounds of smashing glass)

(chorus with handclaps, to fade)

Chokey!

(from 'Punch A Judy' album)

Well I got me a tale to tell

And I'll give it to you straight

I've been in and aht of the nick

Since the age of bleedin' eight

Robbery, gbh, burglary, assault'n'battery

And I'll tell you samfink, dahrlin', I'm touched by your flattery

I agree I'm bleedin' 'andsome

And 'ard as nails to boot

But I'm due in front of the beak at 10

That's why I'm wearin me whistle and flute

So I'll give you samfink before I go

In out in out like the hokey cokey

Then I'm off dahn the courthouse

And then back off to chokey!

Dartmoor? Brixton? Parkhurst?

I don't bleedin' care

All the screws and lags are scared of me

Every bleedin' where

I'll do the crimes and serve the times

And rule the roost while I'm there

Nutter is the Guv'nor

Like 'Arry Grout wiv curly 'air

And when I get back aht again

I'll hunt the grarsses dahn

And smash their bleedin' teef in

An' 'ead off for a pint ahp tahn

Oh chokey!

Dr. Rock

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

Got me cut froat razor

In me 'and

Nah I'm orf

Dahn the Strand

In the avver one is

Me mahnkey gland

I am Dr. Rock

(chorus)

Dr. Rock

Cahttin' ahp whores

Arahnd the clock

Then after I've

Slashed anavver strumpet

It's 'ome to bed

For sahm tasty crumpet

I am Dr. Rock

Got me cloak 'n' top 'at

On me 'ead

Gonna paint the tahn

Blood red

Does a lot for my

Street cred

I am Dr. Rock

(chorus)

Put your fists in the air

Like you jahst don't care

Stamp your feet

To the Kipper beat

(chorus)

Dr. Bleedin' Rock!

Better Off In Bosnia

(from 'Punch A Judy' album)

Dodgy leather jackets

And shiny sportswear

'Angin' aht in gangs

Wiv Vinny Samways 'air

Spohngin' off the State

Get back 'n fight, you chicken

Or Nutter will give you

A bleedin' good kickin'

(chorus)

Better off in Bosnia

Kosovo or Afghanistan

Albania or Somalia

Fahck right off 'ome now sahn

Awlright!

It's not that I'm a racialist

Naffink wrong wiv diversity

But you're 'avin' a larf intcha?

Show some common courtesy

Barbed wire ahp the ports

Brick ahp the Channel Tunnel

Build sahm massive 'urdles

That'd even upset Gunnell

(chorus)

There'll always be an England

While Nutter is arahnd

And you can stuff the bleedin' Euro

We will keep the Pahnd

Percy Plant

(from 'Timmy: A Cock Opera' album)

The mists on the mountains are the clouds in my mind

As I wander through this wilderness, mutton*, Navy** and bacon***

Like a ragged stranger cast from Heaven for his sins

Oh! Sid, why have I been forsaken?

I know I have done wrong

But they were minor misdemeanours

That sort of thing is natural

For all of us randy windowcleaners

Now I slip on every rung

Of this cruel ladder called my life

Oh Lady Luck where are you?

Come and be my wife

I find a strange flower in the meadow by the stream

The shape of the flower is something quite obscene

A million angels circle me and begin a weird chant

Timmy, you have found the fabled percy plant!

Kee-id, kee-id

It's your old mate Sid

The passing donkey bellows

I'm falling through a kiwi's nest

The angels my bedfellows

The flowering buds engulf me

And I dream of Brian Cant

Timmy, you are now a petal

On the fabled percy plant!

Quick, lend me some scissors

I'm like a cheeky scamp Narcissus

Losing my pulling power

Turned into a flower

Help me...please...

* mutton = mutton jeff = deaf

** Navy = Navy rum = dumb

*** bacon = bacon rind = blind

The Gentle Touch

(from 'Timmy: A Cock Opera' album)

I used to be a window cleaner

Now I'm shagging the wife of Ralph Molina*

In the back of me Ford Cortina

What a bleedin' lark

'Er moniker is Gascoigne

First name Jill

I 'ope the tart is on the pill

I'm Timmy, not Jack rollin' dahn 'er hill

Mind me chamois missus!

I like to get 'er bang to rights, good and proper

I really lahv a bird 'oo's a copper

Take dahn my particulars and look at me chopper

What a bleedin' lark!

Ooh baby baby grab a hold of me crotch

And spare me cobblers the gentle touch

*(Kipper were threatened with legal action for using the name 'Alfred Molina', Gascoigne's real-life spouse; however, substituting the name 'Ralph' got them into even hotter water since they had inadvertently referenced a member of Neil Young's band Crazy Horse. A couple of backhanders from Sid Noggett smoothed things over with the legal eagles, mind)

White Van In Hammersmith High Street

(from 'Hook Off!' album)

Midnight til quarter to four

Ahtside the pie & mash shop

Timmy is knobbin' sahm whore

Eric is neckin' a Tip Top

Petal was on Top Deck all night

I was punchin' everyone in sight

Blow was nowhere to be seen

Probably smokin' charlie in the loo

White youth, white youth

Although he looks a little tanned

Give 'im a slap, 'e's a cheeky chap

Shaht it darlin' or you'll feel the back of me 'and

The new groups are a bunch of tarts

They just want to get into the charts

They've got gold lamé pants

They fink it's fahnny

Turnin' 3 falls or a submission

Into money

All over, there's managers changin' clubs

Like they're stumblin' from pub to pub

If Terry Venables came today

They'd send Frank Sibley on his way

Drinkin', fightin', whorin', those were the days

At the all night garage, buyin' Wagon Wheels and cherryade

In our white van, on Hammersmith High Street

Only lookin' for vi-o-lence

Oh oho oh Petal, leave 'im alone

Rama lama ding dong, me ma's on the dog and bone

New York, New York, So Good I Punched You Twice

(from 'The London Kipper' album)

Take a look at my left 'ook

Nah take a look at my right

Not much that you can do

When Nutter says 'e wants a fight

Take a jahmbo across the briney

Gonna slap a yank or two

See the dollies in California

Not a lot they can do

When Nutter says 'e wants a...la la la la

(chorus)

New York, New York, so good I punched you twice

New York, New York, all the violence - really nice

I lahv it

New York, New York, nah wot a bleedin' pity

Deaf people won't 'ear this ditty

In Clapham tahn I was born

Not much brain but lots of brawn

Ruck away, ruck away, ruck away

Clapham tahn

Glory glory Queen's Park Rangers

The hoops are marching on

(chorus)

La la la la in America

Beatin' ahp yanks in America

Better send tanks in America

If you wanna stop us in America

(chorus)

Siberian Smack You

(from 'Kipper' album)

Aht in the desolate wastelands

Trapped in a gulag and left to rot

For writin' sahm dodgy bleedin' poem

I don't even know if it rhymes or not

SNOWSTORM!

Dissidents in one man tents

Shelter from the icy blasts

Hunger strikers get on me Earthas

Tie the skinny bleeders to the masts

HAILSTONES!

Blow you should know better

In your brand new Pringle sweater

If you inject that stuff

Then you'll feel my cuff

What abaht poor Rita and the nippers?

THANDER AND LIGHTNIN'!

Drugs ain't the answer

Violence is! (Siberian smack you)

All that smack'll get you in a tizz (Siberian whack you)

Stick to bitter and a bit of baccy (Siberian crack you)

And you'll be right as rain if you stay lahcky (Siberian smack you)

(to fade out)

D-d-d-d-don't bleedin' do it

You drug-addled plank

Remember the days dahn the Top Rank?

And the nippers - and Rita

Sid's Kids

(b-side of 'Kipper')

Spittin' aht quids

It's Sid's kids

Always on the make

Always on the take

Always on the move

Always in the groove

No more silence - only violence!

Spittin' aht quids

It's Sid's kids

(spoken by Sid Noggett)

I said "keeee-ids"

(repeat ad infinitum)

Sax And Violence

(b-side of 'Kipper')

'Ere Blow, let that Brass go!

Sax, sax, sax and violence

Hammer yer nail into the fence

Sax, sax, sax and violence

Shaht it you pohnce, much offence

'Ere Blow, let that Brass go!

Violence, violence, violence and sax

Leave the bastards on their backs

Violence, violence, violence and sax

Shove sahm grout into those cracks

'Ere Blow, let that Brass go!

Bleedin' 'ell

Baghdad Scuffle

(from 'Punch A Judy' album)

Bleedin' ell, what a palaver

I'm 'ere in Clapham when I'd rarver

Be aht in the Gulf wiv our brave lads

Kickin' 'eads in, in Baghdad

(chorus)

Baghdad scuffle

You stupid bleedin' Shi'ite

Baghdad scuffle

Awlright, awlright, AWLRIGHT!

So what if you give 'em grief in the cells

They'd get much worse dahn in Bow Bells

Get the Union Jack a wavin'

What's wrong wiv a little misbehavin'?

(chorus)

You wiv the 'ook and the dodgy eye

What's your bleedin' game?

Cahm on over to Nutter's for a little chat

And (this section is bleeped out) lame

(chorus x 10)

Keep Schtum!

(from 'Punch A Judy' album)

I ain't tellin' you naffink, copper

So sling yer 'ook you slaaaaag

You ain't gonna fit me ahp good'n'proper

I'm off for a pint an' a fag

And as I'm off swift on me heels like

I'll remember the words of me dear old mum

"Don't tell those bastard filf naffink"

Keep schtum! Keep schtum! Keep schtum!

They can beat yer, mistreat yer or kill yer

But don't tell them a bleedin' fing

They can give yer ten years or cut off yer ears

Or take you dahn to the gallows to swing

An' as they put on the black 'ood like

I'll remember the words of me dear old mum

"Don't tell those bastard filf naffink"

Keep schtum! Keep schtum! Keep schtum!

Stood ahp in front of St. Peter

Who asks me politely my name

But I don't grarse meself ahp to this geezer

I say "what the fahck is your game?"

And as I am sent dahn to 'ell like

I'll remeber the words of me dear old mum

Don't tell no-one naffink, ever ever ever

Keep schtum! Keep schtum! Keep schtum!

'Oops Upside Your Head (Kicked In)

(b-side of 'Baghdad Scuffle' single)

'Oo's in ver house?

No it's not Hector

It's the Shooter Producer

Me mate Phil Spector

Blew the brains aht of sahm lippy bird

Murder in the 1st, and probably 2nd and 3rd

But ahyhahw, forget abaht that commotion

Cos' the 'Oops 'ave only gorn an' won promotion!

(chorus)

'Oops upside yer 'ead

I said 'Oops upside yer 'ead

Messin' wiv ver Loftus Road boys

Will leave yer all brahn bread

Gerry 'ere will tell yer 'ow the 'Oops will rise again

(mumbled like a zombified Dave Clement)

Gerry Francis: Yeah we will

Er, wot's that say?

I can't read yer writin', Nutter

Oh yeah, cos' we KICK TO KILL!

(chant)

Stanley, Stanley, where's yer wife?

Meet me old mate Stanley knife

Ian Gillard rest in peace my sahn

Parksey's 'ands are safe as they cahm

76 will 'appen again

Cahm on lads let's go insane

(chorus)

Stan Bowles: When I said we'll do you, we will, I bet yer

I bet yer, I bet yer, I bet...

Oh where's me wife

Caht 'er wiv me knife

(chorus ad infinitum)

Sir Nutter And The Fights Of The Rahnd Table

(from 'Punch A Judy' album)

In days of old

When Mancini was bald

We fought for the honour of the 'Oops

We were the 'ardest fans

In all the land

All the others were like Marge Proops

Dahn the boozer before the game

16 pints of ale

And now my friends, I'll tell to ye

A lavverly little tale

Of our search for the 'Oly Grail

75/76 this could be our season

We 'ad the best team in the land, that's the bleedin' reason

Stanley Bowles and Gerry the Saint

And Big Parkesy between the posts

And not forgettin' Clement and Gillard

'Oo are nah a pair of ghosts

We travelled near, we ventured far

Always ahp for a scuffle

Even Petal got stuck in,

Although his hair they did ruffle

The pixie-faced Thomas, the curly-maned Givens

'Ad us on our toes

And after the game we'd be ahtside the ground

Smackin' sahm pohnce in the nose

But due to some dodgy refs and whatever

We only finished second

But we kept our chins ahp for anuvver year

'Cos we knew that Europe beckoned

Frogs 'n' Krauts - 'ere, watch aht

The 'Oops are aht to get yer

75, 76

We will never, ever forget yer!

"Cahm on yooooo 'Oops!!!!"

Kill Hill

(from 'Punch A Judy' album)

You look like a bleedin' chipmunk

Did Blunkett do your fringe?

Oh look, 'ere cahms the filf

Listen to him grarse and whinge

(chorus)

Kill Hill!

His Wolverhampton blood we'll spill

Kill Hill!

He shopped us to the Old Bill

Kill Hill!

Awlright!

Superyob, 'e reckons 'e is

Baht 'e's jahst a bleedin' pohnce

You should 'ang aht wiv Michael Jackson

Annavver bleedin' peeee-do nohnce

(chorus)

If I was you, you ugly wankah

I'd wear an iron vest

Your singer married Rosie, baht

You'll be joinin' Fred West

(chorus)

Saville

(hidden track on 'Punch A Judy' album)

Saville bleedin' Saville

A bloomin' national treasure

'Elps the sick and the kids

And those at 'er Majesties' Pleasure

'E 'as big cigars

Keeps 'is mavver's bras

And wears jewellery baht ain't a pohnce

An' despite the rumours abaht the kids 'e ain't a bleedin' nonce

"'Ow's about that then, very busy man

Sir Nutter Of Normington, Clunk Click"

Top Of The Pops, long blond mop

And 'is own cell dahn the nick

Saville's Travels, Sunday lunch

All I wanna do is punch

Anyone 'oo gives 'im grief

Jimmy you're the fahcking chief!

S-A-V-I-L-L-E

Tracksuit, armchair, plastic badge

You're the one for me!

Sympathy For The Nutter

(from 'Punch A Judy' album)

Please allow me to introduce myself

I'm a cockney, born and bred

The name's Pearly, but all me mates call me Nutter

An' if you ain't me mate, you're bleedin' dead

I was once played in a film by the great Peter Cleall

Blimey, that bloke's a diamond geezer

'E took a few liberties wiv me accent, like

But at least 'e was more convincin' than in 'Please Sir'

I've been in Kipper now for thirty years

And it don't seem a day too much

I lahv my life, so I ain't never gonna top meself

Like Shipman, David Rappaport and Screamin' Lord Sutch

So please allow me to introduce myself

Dahn the street I stroll wiv a swagger

Nutter Normington, that's me, keyboard player extraordinary

And a better singer than that posh pohnce Jagger

Please allow me to introduce my knuckles

Into the face of any wankah, nonce or copper

My life's vi-o-lent but fun, and when all's said and done

I've taken more drugs than Dennis Hopper

(band start doing 'ooh ooh' backing vocals)

Shaaaat it you maaaahpets!

Boots Up Mother Brown

(from 'Smoked - Live At Budokan' album)

Maybe it's because I'm a Lahndaner

That I'm a racist bigot

You'll find me dahn White City

Greyhounds piss on Lester Piggott

Flash, bang, wallop

What a left hook

What a punch up

What a bleedin' larf

Poor old pohnce

Got a kicked-in bonce

One little pahnch

And 'e lost 'is lahnch

Altagevver nah, me chirpy barrer boys

Boots Up Mother Brown

ee-i-ee-i-ee-i-oh

Dahn the Old Kent Road we go

When we see the Nancy Boys

You'll 'ear a mighty roar

We are the Kipper!

Bum tiddly bum bum

Rum tum tum

Do the Lambeff Walk!

My sahn

Boots Up Mother Brown (x 50)

LAAAAAHNDAHN!

Elephant's Trunk

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

D'ya like me new barnet, short'n'spiky?

Not like Essex, the bleedin' pikey

You'll end ahp like Bolan if you mess wiv me

In a smashed-ahp mini wrapped arahnd a tree

(chorus)

You can do the old click'n'clunk

But you should always check yer elephant's trunk*

Cos' if you don't yer bleedin' sunk

Always check your elephant's trunk

Millie Milburn dry your eyes

Bolan is attractin' flies

Stanley sorts aht 'is cross-plys

Eric's got 'is alibies

(chorus)

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-bleedin la

See you dahn the 100 Club

La-dee-bleedin'-dah!

* (elephant's trunk = monk = friar = tyre)

Safety Pin

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

1-2-3-4

I've got rips

In me trahsers

It don't stop me

From punchin' scousers

Me t-shirt's torn

Dahn the front

Baht 'ere's my fist

You Yorkshire cahnt

(chorus)

Safety pin

As vital in a war as Vera Lynn

Safety pin

You're gonna get your 'ead kicked in

Bleedin' 'ell

I've snagged me waistcoat

Blame it on a jock

You've gotta 'ave a scapegoat

All that stompin'

Means me boots ave got 'oles in

Baht when they're mended

I'll kick a few Poles in

(chorus)

The Loneliest Megastar In The World

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

Can you hear my plaintive cry

As me tears fall dahn on to me eel pie

Dressed in me best bib'n'tahcker

I really am an 'andsome fahcker

But the beauty is jahst skin deep

Inside I feel a fraud, so cheap

Livin' this lie from me penthouse suite

Dolly birds fallin' at me plates o' meat

I'm the loneliest megastar in the world

And I know you all adore me

"Oh Nutter, please sing us a song"

You good folk all implore me

But the sixty-watt sunshine mocks my moves

The genius I write escapes from the grooves

The curtain has cahm down

And the moth heads for the light

(spoken) Oh fahck this, I'm off aht for a fight

This is poncy - turn it in!!!

I sahnd like Richard Stilgoe or that Shakespeare geezer

Let's 'ave a ding-dong

Sid, do I 'ave to sing this?

I wanna do the Clapham

Wankahs!

Where's me tablets?

I wanna shaht AWLRIGHT!!!!!

Another Kick In The Stalls (parts 1-7)

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

(shouted) This is more like it! a cockney knees-ahp!

i) Annaver kick in the stalls

Annaver kick in the stalls

See you dahn the market or the Albert 'all

ii) Annaver kick in the stalls

Annaver kick in the stalls

See you dahn the market or the Albert 'all

(parts iii-vii are identical)

AWLRIGHT!

Altagevver nah

Annaver kick in the bleedin' staaaaaalls!

AWLRIGHT!

It's A Lot Less Bovver Wiv A Kipper

(from 'You Can't Kipper Good Band Down' album)

Mower mower, no not Patrick

Cahttin' thru the grass like 'Urstie's 'at-trick

Over the line? Course it was, geezer

Errol Brown's got a head like a Malteser

(chorus) It's a lot less bovver wiv a kipper

Me ma told me that when I was a nipper

It's a lot less bovver wiv a kipper

I'm ahp and dahn so mauch that they call me the Big Dipper

Mower mower, no not Patrick

Cahttin' thru the grass like 'Urstie's 'at-trick

They fink it's all over don't they sahn?

Paht on me knahckledahsters jahst for fun

(chorus)

Ahw many nonces can I pahnch, in an English cockney garden?

'Opefully a few, then a pig and then a screw

In an English cockney prison

Cahm on Petal, give it sahm bottle

As I turn me Flymo ahp full throttle

(chorus)

Great To Be Straight

(from 'Smoked - Live At Budokan' album)

(three minutes and 41 seconds of guitar histrionics)

I ain't Wigan or ginger

I'm straight as a die

Always wiv birds, me

Never a guy

I just wear this clobber

To make me look great

Great, great, great, great to be straight

(four minute 11 second guitar wig-out)

Mr. Lea (Junk Punk)

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

There's a fella we know, works for Lahndahn Ahndergrahnd

In the office of Lost Property

'E's our drummer Timmy's dad

So we call 'im 'Mr. Lea'

'E's always cartin' rabbish 'ome

To the shame of 'is family

They oughtta 'ave more bleedin' respect

When 'e cahms in for 'is tea

Mr. Lea, Mr. Lea

As bald as a bleedin' monk

Mr. Lea, Mr. Lea

He sold his soul for junk

(female Japanese voice - probably 'Anneka') "Mister Rea - It's a Mystelly"

One day, right, 'e brings 'ome this moose's 'ead

Says it'll look good over the mantelpiece

Baht Mrs. Lea starts shahtin'

She reckons it's full of fleas

Annuver time, she opens the door

I've never seen 'er look iller

Cos' Mr. Lea is standin' there

Dressed as a 600-pound gorilla

Best of all was the day 'e nicked

Two ceramic pandas from the High Street

It was only the bloody World Wildlife Fund collection box

Still, the extra cash came in a treat

Mr. Lea, Mr. Lea

Unpredictable as a game of Ker-plunk

Mr. Lea, Mr. Lea

He sold his soul for junk

E'd lahv to bring 'ome a stuffed wildebeest

From the plains of the Serengeti

'E never goes aht to restaurants

Cos' the only English thing on the menu is spaghetti

Mr. Lea, Mr. Lea

the pensioner of punk

Mr. Lea, Mr. Lea

He sold his soul for junk

Common

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Aht for a stroll on Clapham Common

When sahm posh tart cahms ahp to me

She says "are you the rock star Nutter Normington?"

All toffee-nosed like a presenter off Radio 3

"Yeah that's me" I answers 'er, not mindin' me P's & Q's

What was cahmin' aht me norf 'n' sarf

She was a real tasty bit of ahpper class crahmpet

And nah she talks wiv me plums in 'er mouth

(chorus)

Common - oh yeah I am, oh yeah I am

Ain't bin to Oxford or Cambridge

But I've been to dear Clapham

Common - oh yeah I am, oh yeah I am

Ain't got a yacht or polo pony

But I don't give a damn

You can keep yer caviar - I'll 'ave cod roe

Aristocracy don't mean naffink to yer ordinary Joe

Apart from 'er Majesty - she's got a bit o' clarse

And don't forget Lord Charles - you silly arse

Back on Clapham High Street

Wiv me posh bit on me arm

She says "oh you rough diamond, Nutter Normington"

When a bell rings - baht it's not an alarm

It's the last shaht dahn the boozer

So I boots 'er into touch real quick

"Fahck orf back to Knightsbridge, dahlin'!"

"Ten pints landlord, I've dahmped that stahck-ahp chick"

(chorus)

Clapham Bleedin' Clapham

(from 'Punch A Judy' album)

This is not a pohnce's song, this song is 'Clapham Bleedin' Clapham'

I can't believe the news today

I've been made a Sir, and Petal was a gay

How long - how long must I sing me song

How long - let's fight

We can 'ave a good old ruck - awlright

(chorus)

dahn Clapham Bleedin' Clapham

Clapham Bleedin' Clapham

And the brawling's jahst begun

Fahck off coppah, we're only 'avin' fun

How long - how long is this bleedin' song

How long - let's drink

Cahm on everybody let's drink

We can 'ave a knees-ahp - awlright

(chorus)

How I suffer for me art

Look me trahser stitching's cahm apart

How long - how long 'til me taxi comes

How long - good night

Off 'ome for a kip, so good night

O.k. then, jahst anuvver little fight

(chorus)

Nutter

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

'Oo's that fella walkin' dahn the street

Smart-lookin' waistcoat, bovver boots on 'is plates o' meat

Blimey, that barnet mahst've cost 'im a bit of money

Why, that's Nutter Normington, honey

Clapham, Clapham, the finest place in the land

What better part of Lahndahn in which to form a band?

It's a good job Nutter could play pianner, or they might 'ave ended ahp wiv Chas Hodges

'E'd 'ave been abaht as mahch use as Clodagh bleedin' Rogers

And everybody says "is he alright?"

And sahmone shahts aht "yeah, 'e's lookin' for a fight"

They're jabbering away, a bit too much bunny

"That's Nutter Normington out of Kipper, honey"

Nutter's hit the big time since 'e got aht of reform school

He's a keyboard-smashin' maniac 'oo don't need no piano stool

It's cos' of 'im that Kipper are always in the chart

'E don't like pohnces or the filf, baht 'e's partial to a bit o' tart

And everybody says "what's he like?"

Sahmone shahts aht "lend us a fiver, mate" and Nutter says "on yer bike"

And gives 'im a good kickin' till 'is blood goes all runny

"That's the guv'nor, Nutter, honey"

Y-Front Boogie

(from 'Kipper' album)

'Ere missus, is that your 'ubby?

'E's cahmmin' ahp stairs and 'e sahnds a bit chubby

Pull on me keks as quick as a flash

And prepare to do the drainpipe dash

(chorus)

Y-front boogie

Do it kids

Y-front boogie

On the skids

Y-front boogie

I never rest

Y-front boogie

In me vest

Across the lawn wivvaht me trollies

I'm always rahnnin' aht on the dollies

I must look a real 'nana

Me favourite fish is the piranha

(chorus)

blue wiv a white trim or brown wiv beige

Let the beast aht of the cage

Off the market or aht a shop

'Ere dahlin, lick me lollipop

(chorus)

999 - The Number Of The Beast

(from 'Confessions' album)

i) Reva-bleedin-lations

(clang of a bell)

And so it is written that some pohnce

'As gone and grarsed me ahp to the Filf

'E rang the human number noihne 'ahndred and noihnety bleedin' noihne!

The Nahmber Of The Beast

ii) Daemonic Pandaemonium (Maelstrom Of Fear)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

iii) Sweeney, Bob, and Colin - The Todds

(spoken)

A nightmare of despair. Coppahs everywhere. Twistin' me fahmbs, torturin' me. I ain't tellin' you naffink...

Waterman: 'Ere Jack, we've got a lively one 'ere

Thaw: Barstard!

Woken from my slumber

By sahm geezer doin' the rhumba

It's that bloke off Benny Hill

His blood I will spill

Then it appears I'm still asleep

The defender takes a leap

It's Bob and Colin Todd

Please help me, help me God!

iv) Salvation dahn the station

The prison bars turn to flame

As the spirit of the Lord engulfs me

Hallelujah the angels cry

As the coppahs fall to their knees

Smite them Lord, I yell

Do the fahckers in!!!

But 'E's a holy sort

And 'ee jahst lands one on their chin

v) Me and God (Lock-in)

So me and 'is nibs go dahn the boozer

We gets a lock-in cos' 'e's a deity

Along cahms me old mahcker Petal

But God punishes 'im for 'is gaiety

'Ees a bit 'ammered you see is Jehovah

A few too many tonight

I ask 'im abaht life an' all that

But 'ee says 'e couldn't give a shite

vi) Was it a dream?

(alarm bell rings)

'ere God...ooh, where's 'e gone?

I could 'ave sworn 'e was 'ere jahst nah

Oi dahlin, get us a cuppah

You lazy bleedin' cah!

vii) Requiem

Aaaaaa-bleedin'-men

Shoot Me, I'm Only The Piano Player (Oh, And Singer)

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

'Mexican': Any last requests, greeeeengo?

Nutter: I wanna tell you a story...

I remember when I was young

Me and Zombie 'ad so much fun

Kicking ponces and chucking stones

Punching and swearing to the Pearly King rock

You twat wiv yer wonky hat

Get back

Cos' it seems to me I lived me life

Like a vandal in the wind

Philadelphia cheese and jellied eels

Any night's alright for fighting

Awlright!

And the greatest team I ever saw

Was the 'Oops in '64

I tell a lie but that rhymes

Now I'll tell yer about me crimes

I sat on a van roof and kicked in me boss

A few of 'is suggestions 'ad got me fahckin' cross

Philadelphia cheese and jellied eels

Any night's alright for fighting

Awlright!

'Mexican': You crazeeeee Eeeeengliiiiish!

Nutter: Let's do it...

(Gunfire)

Police, Thieves And Geezers

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

There's yer Dixon Of Dock Green

And Slipper of the Yard

Or them blokes aht The Sweeney

Baht Kipper are 'ard

Old Bill rehckons 'e can dish it aht

Baht I fink that's jahst a fallacy

Wait till my docs kick you in the mush

That's what I call police bootality

(chorus)

The filf, the blaggers and me mates dahn the pahb

Each one does as 'e pleases

You might know them better as

Police, thieves, and geezers

Raffles was a gentleman

'Oo lahved to rob people's 'ouses

Nickin' all the silver

'Ere Petal, get orf me trahsers

Nahwadays it's all high-tech

Using gelignite and diamond-cutters

"'Ere sarge - oo's are these fingerprints on this safe?"

You dozy barstards - they're Nutter's!

(chorus)

We lahv all that pahnk rock

And we're mates wiv Jimmy Pursey

Don't lihke that bloke aht The Skids much though, cos' 'e's a jock

And as for that Joe Strummer, 'e's from bleedin' Turkey

I'll tell yer 'oo is good though, Phil Lynott aht of Thin Lizzy

'E's a black fella baht 'e's Irish, wiv an afro and a 'tache

When we're on tour wiv 'im, our fists are busy

Bash bash bash bash bash bash bash

(chorus)

I Can't Believe It's Not Nutter

(b-side of 'Kill Hill!' single)

(chorus) Will the Real Nutter Normington

Please stand ahp, please stand ahp

Will the Real Nutter Normington

Please stand ahp, please stand ahp

Awlright - I'm Pearly King and I'm the real thing

All you other pearly kings just hear me sing

I'm the lahdest, the prahdest, the daddy of 'em all

I'll do to yer what Bowlsey does to a ball

(chorus)

(in robot voice) Spin on me fist, spin on me fist

Dave 'Superpuff' Hill is a bleedin' traitor

A boz-eyed ugly chipmunk imitator

'E's dahn annaver runner like a big girl's blahse

'E's 'idin' rahnd at Barrymore's 'ahse

(chorus)

Elvis was a hero to sahm baht 'e don't mean naffink to me

Gimme Tommy Steele anyday

Or a lavverly cahp o' tea

(chorus x several hundred to fade)

Don't push me, cos' I'm close to a hedge

Injury Time

(b-side of 'Kill Hill!' single)

You can't make an omelette wivvaht breakin' eggs

Dave Mackay couldn't play football wivvaht breakin' sahmone's legs

Remember that time Eric Cantona jahmped in the crahd to kahng-fu a punter?

Baht the daddy of 'em all was Norman Hunter

Injury Time, it's Injury Time

Kipper ain't past it, we're in our prime

Wevver you're straight or bleedin' bent

Give it all ahp for vi-o-Lent

Vinny Jones 'ard? Nah mate, that's jahst a myth

'E'd 'ave been kicked rahnd the park by Tommy Smith

Tommy's on so much medication, 'e finks 'e's Dennis Hopper

And if you go dahn Stamford Bridge, beware of The Chopper

Injury Time, it's Injury Time

East Enders and defenders live a life of crime

Tell your barstard landlord you ain't payin' no rent

Get really, really vi-o-lent

The dirtiest of all, though, 'as gotta be Clement and Gillard

Dahn Loftus Road, we all thought they was well 'ard

Sahm pohnce called Keegan, they knocked 'im flat

And left 'im for dead in a lay-by arfter thumpin' 'im wiv a baseball bat

Injury Time, it's Injury Time

Kipper drink Watney's, not lemon & lime

Yehudi Menhuin's talent was 'eaven sent

Baht we're jahst as good at playin' the vi-o-lent

All China Plates Again

(from 'Unhooked - The ATV Reunion' album)

All china plates again

No more squabbles, barneys or the like

Eric, sorry that I called yer mum a bike

All china plates again

No more bahst-ahps, kicking or that palaver

Timmy, welcome back from the Costa Brava

All china plates again

No more lawsuits, gbh or all that jazz

Blow, I never meant you was a worn-aht spaz

(chorus) All china plates again

Just like we always was

All china plates again

Nutter is still the boss

All china plates again

No more slappings or glassings - so there!

Zombie 'as jahst got aht of intensive care

All china plates again

No more slander, libel, we've knocked it on the 'ead

'Urry ahp Petal, get aht yer boyfriend's bed

(chorus) All china plates again

Just like we always was

All china plates again

NUTTER IS STILL....THE BLEEDIN' BOSS!

Cor Love Phwoooar Waaahey

(b-side of 'Oh Sha La La' single)

A lavverly bit o' skirt

Right before me eyes

Nice big pair o' jugs

And mini ridin' ahp 'er fighs

And when she flashes 'er gnashers

There's only one fing I can say

(chorus) Cor love phwoooar waaahey!

I'm glad that I'm not gay

I really lahv me dollies

Watch me drop me trollies

You'd make Jack Douglas drop his beer tray

Cor love phwoooar waaahey!

Them birds on the Top Of The Pops elpees

Bring me to my knees

Bikinis and figh-length boots

and nice big root-de-toots

And then I slip 'em on me Dansette

An' orf goes me Jumbo Jet

(chorus)

Altagevvah nah, fists in the air!

Girls - cor!

Birds - love!

Dollies - phwoooar!

Chicks - waaahey!

Can't get enough of the slaaaags

Night or day

slappers, scrahbbers, filfy cahs

I'm not too fussy, I lahv a bit o' blouse

(chorus)

Lock-Up Lock-In

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

I know a cahple of diamond geezers

They ohnce puhlled sahmone's fingernails aht wiv a pair of tweezers

They owns this little hideaway, see, and I swear on me blue suede shoes

The bleedin' place is only full of booze

Don't tell P.C. McGarry, or anyone else from Trumpton

Baht if the filf find aht, say "it's for our own domestic consumption"

Blihmey, this Watney's is great for gettin' pissed

And any landlord what won't buy it off us is gonna feel Nutter's fist

If there's sahm we can't flog, we'll look for a few birds 'oo are tarty

An' take 'em back to the lock-ahp for, you've guessed it, a party

Lock-ahp lock-in, we're open till late

Lock-ahp lock-in, better than Billingsgate

Lock-ahp lock-in, it's so very reprehensible

Lock-ahp lock-in, we'll invite Captain Sensible

Nevvah mind the bollocks - 'ere's the lock-in!

Star Spangled Kipper

(from 'Hook Off!' album - U.S. version)

Had a fight in New York and a brawl in L.A.

Cos' I'm missing the streets of Clapham that I love

They don't talk proper 'ere and they're all bleedin' queer

Baht I'm a star in New York and a star in L.A.

Each time I leave Chicago

I nick sahm towels - Chicago

And soap and one of those plastic hair fings - Chicago

My kind of bleedin' taaaaahn

Meet me in St. Louis

Bagels ain't 'alf chewy

La-la-la-la in America - awlright!

AWL-fahckin'-RIGHT! I'll give you kicks on Route 66

And if you're going to San Francisco

You'd better watch aht, Nutter might be there

So watch your lip sahn, don't be marfy

An' if I pahnch you, don't mess ahp me 'air

Had a fight in New York and a brawl in L.A.

Cos' I'm missing the streets of Clapham that I love

The beer tastes like piss and they all listen to Kiss

Baht I'm a star in New York and a star in L.A.

See My Finger, See My Fumb, See My Fist (Now You'll Get Some)

(from 'Jack The Kipper' album)

(chanted by the band and Clapham Infant School)

(chorus): See my finger, see my fumb, see my fist, now you'll get some (x 10)

Mush, mush, mush, mush, mush

I pay me tax for the likes of these

Cahmmin' over 'ere, not buyin' me l.p.s

Black or black, poor or poor

(whispered) "Nutter, don't forget the concept..."

Jack slices ahp annaver 'ooooor

Gawd bless Nutter Street

Viva, a Vauxhall, neat

Gawd bless Nutter Street

Say fist-tastic Nutter Street

(chorus x 20)

Cahm on kids - shake yer fists

Just like Uncle Nutter

Aaaaaaace!!!

(chorus x 20)

Up The Clapham Junction

(from 'Kipper' album)

I always 'fought it would 'appen

Wiv me and this tart in Clapham

Up there on the Common

Blackheads on her bottom

Where I dealt aht the verbal

An' 'ad a smoke of 'erbal

A funny loohkin' lady

Wiv 'air like Liam Brady

We moved in to a flat

She brought 'er bleedin' cat

Always watchin' telly

She 'ad a big fat belly

I was always dahn the boozer

And then I would abuse 'er

She went to see the doctor

'Oo threw ahp when 'e clocked 'er

I got aht my mate Stanley

'Ees always bleedin' 'andy

I caht 'er ahp a treat

From 'ead dahn to 'er feet

I paht 'er in a bin bag

Stupid fahcking fat slaaaag

Left 'er near the telly

Cor, she wannalf smelly

And now it's five years later

I'm a cahch pahtater

Can't say that I miss 'er

Me new bird's called Patricia

Me Gwanma cahm and took me

From bar to bar to bookie

And nah it's my assumption

Trains pass thru' Clapham Junction

Nutter's Back In Town

(from 'You Can't Kipper Good Band Down' album)

Guess 'oo jahst got aht today

Ten long years 'ee's been away

Big mates wiv Ron & Reggie Kray

And if 'e wants to fight you'd better let 'im

(chorus) Nutter's back in town

Nutter's back in town

Nutter's back in taaaaaaaaaaahn

Get aht the bleedin' way

Remember vat time at Timmy's place

Sahm dozy mare slapped Nutter's face

They fahnd 'er caht ahp in a suitcase

If the pigs arsk yer, tell 'em naffink - awlright?

(chorus)

Nutter's tired after 'is jailbreak

Ten pints and then a lie dahn

Nutter's tired after 'is jailbreak

Baht 'e's back to claim 'is crown

(chorus)

Fuck Benelux

(Nutter Normington with Chas Hodges - from 'Kipper Ties' album)

Lowlands (dykes)

Lowlands (bikes)

Lowlands (no Eric Sykes)

Secret trade

Your own little secret

Only Nutter's gawn 'n fahnd aht!

Benelux

Sahnds like an 'oover dahnnit Chas?

(Chas) Geeeeeezah! Petticoat Lane! 1966!

Lowlands (Brussels)

Lowlands (tussles)

Lowlands (flex me muscles)

Clog embargo

Yer own private world

Faaaahck Van Der Valk and Poirot

Benelux

Sahnds like an 'oover dahnnit Chas?

(Chas) Raaaaabit! East Eeeeeeend! Kraaaaays!

Ben - shit song by Wacko Jacko

Nee - you in the knackers

Lux - soap? On a rope? Maurice 'Ope?

Misanthrope? Lycanthrope? Too much dope?

FUCK BENELUX!

Dahn In Clapham Junction At Midnight

(from 'All Kippers Are Bastards' album)

Remember them good old days back in 1964?

On Brighton beach, mods versus rockers

Yer old mate Nutter took on all comers

And then went off wiv a bird wiv bleedin' great knockers

Now those good times are back again

Baht not at the seaside - what a frustration

No, nah it's ahndergrahnd where we has our scraps

At midnight, dahn in Clapham Junction station

(chorus)

Dahn Clapham Junction at midnight - oh woh woh woh

You wot sahn? you lookin' for a fight?

Dahn Clapham Junction at midnight

Everyone's there, we ain't lost the plot

Suedeheads, punks, mods, grebos, teds, the bleedin' lot

At five to twelve, we're all sharin' fags and doin' a bit o' boozin'

Baht when the clock strikes, it's time for a bruisin'

(chorus)

There's Sid Vicious wiv 'is bike-chain, wallopin' Nick Kent

'E's abaht as bleedin' 'ard as Jackie Trent

And sahm mod in a nice whistle, name of Paul Weller

'E's as bent as a spoon 'eld by Uri Geller

Me old mucker Jimmy Pursey's jahst got 'ere from the Walton Hop

'E's already pahnched sahm nonce d.j. who asked him his trahsers to drop

And sahm bloke aht of Eddie And The Hot Rods, 'oo looks a bit Albanian

'As 'ad 'is 'ead kicked in by me old mates Captain Sensible and Dave Vanian

(chorus)

My Fanny

(from 'Timmy: A Cock Opera' album)

'oo left the lid off the toothpaste?

'oo left sahm pee on the seat?

'oo left slippers in the 'allway?

'oo left the saucepan on the 'eat?

I'll tell yer 'oo - my Fanny

That's 'oo!

(chorus)

And you can't touch my Fanny

A dahlin' little gal

You can't touch my Fanny

In Shepherd's Bush or Pall Mall

You take yer 'ands off my Fanny

You'll mess ahp 'er curly mop

And I don't want 'er fingered

Or she'll end ahp dahn the cop shop

'oo left the lid off the biscuits?

'oo left the peas on the plate?

'oo left the paper on the settee?

'oo left the latch off the gate?

I'll tell yer 'oo - my Fanny

That's 'oo

(chorus)

Bum-tiddly-um-pom - it's a Fanny old game!

Farewell, Adieu, & Goodbye

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

Sittin' in a Norvvern station

All cahvered in perspiration

ooh-bleedin'-ooh

Then sahm pohnce cahms ahp to me

Says meet me in the lavatory

I nearly drop me bleedin' tea

He's in accident & emergency

(chorus)

I wish I was Clapham bound

'Ome, where me grub is waiting

'Ome, where me ma's badger-baiting

'Ome, where me bird's gyrating

Please take me 'ome nah

Every norvvern tahn's the same to me

It's all chips smavvered in gravy

ooh-bleedin'-ooh

Dolly birds and one night stands

Me afro comb and satnley knife in 'and

And every pahnch is neatly planned

By the sexist singer in any band

(chorus)

I fink I'll take annaver pill

I fink I'm feelin' pretty ill

ooh-bleedin'-ooh

And then I'll take the bleedin' lot

Me stahmachs all tied in a knot

Cahvered in dribble, puke and snot

If life was the telly I'd be the white dot

(chorus)

So farewell and goodbye my sweet big-boobed dollies

Farewell and adieu, you slaaaags wiv no brain

I'm sorry baht I can't see no point left in livin'

Oh, 'old on, fahck it, 'ere cahms me train

Waiting For The Man

(Nuttron - from 'Fresh Kipper' box set)

I'm waiting for my man

I've got a mahnkey in me 'and

Ahp the Old Kent Road, number 125

If you mess wiv me you'll be lucky to escape alive

I'm waiting in me van

I'm waiting for the man

He's here early

His promptness I really 'ate

Stupid caaaahnt always

Makes me wait

I'm waiting in me van

I'm waiting for the man

'Ere 'e cahms, 'e's all dressed in white

Fresh from Billingsgate, these are the eels I like

Get 'em jellied, dahble quick

Norvern pohnces, you make me fahckin' sick

I'm waiting for me tea

O.k. Ronno, do yer stuff...

(guitar solo)

And it makes me feel awlright

When I put me fist into your face

You'll never look the same again

Oooooooh

Vi-o-lence

It's me life

I beat me wife

Me stanley knife

Oooooooh

Vi-o-lence

Ah, Sid's Queen

(from 'Timmy: A Cock Opera' album)

Norf Island

Sarf Island

And that little bit in between

All ruled over by 'er Majesty the Queen

And 'ere's old Sid Noggett

Always on the blag

Now 'e's 'ere in New Zealand

Where you've got a Union Jack on yer flag

We wuz worried when we 'eard that

You worshipped the All Blacks

We wuz ready to dish aht sahm

Fists, boots, and short sharp smacks

But you wuz on abaht the rugby

So we'll not take it no furvver

Baht kids, watch aht if Glitter offers you

A toffee made by Werther

Norf Island

Sarf Island

And that little bit in between

All ruled over by 'er Majesty the Queen

And 'ere's our Timmy Lea

Wiv sahm big-boobed Maori slag

'E lahvs it in New Zealand

Where you've got a Union Jack on yer flag

And Nutter 'ere is 'appy

Cos' 'e's 'ad abaht twenty tinnies

And 'e's won abaht ten faaahsahnd quid

On the 2000 Guineas

Cos' 'e knew the horse 'oood win it

Cos' the clocks are hours ahead

'E only went and knew the 1-2-3

While the jockeys were still in bed

(shouted:) wotcher, Bowlesy!

Norf Island

Sarf Island

And that little bit in between

All ruled over by 'er Majesty the Queen

So when you next go on yer 'olidays

Take a look 'ere at New Zealand, you won't be sorry

It's only a few hours by them Jumbo jets

An' as they say 'ere - "g'day mate, don't you worry"

(mumbled:) well, Australia, New Zealand, all the same, innit. Waaaahnkers

You've got a Union...

I said a Union...

A Union Jack on yer flaaaag...

Gawd bless yer.

And the Queen

Kent Walton Is A Puff/The N.M.E. Is Cobblers

(Melody Maker free flexidisc, May 1975)

Revlon 'as got a spider's web on 'is mush

Looks abaht as 'ard as Bobby bleedin' Crush

Terry Lee 'as 'Danger' printed on 'is pants

A danger to yer kids, that is - fahcking nonce gay caahnts

Wrestling is a pohnce's game

One pahnch and they've 'ad enough

Kipper shaht it lahd and prahd

"Kent Walton is a puff"

"And so is...Nick Kent"

You never see a Kipper in the NME

Cos' we did a few of their pohnces over for being shirty

Me favourite kind of ginger cake is made in Jamaica

And the only real music rag is the good old Melody Maker

So there you go, me old chinas

The problem is the name 'Kent'

That Nick from the NME

And Walton are both bent

'Old on a mo', though, listen

What abaht the Old Kent Road?

That's different, that's for Cockneys

Cor blimey, I'll be blowed

(muffled speech:) ...'ere, will that do? I thought we'd said a tenner? Do we still get on the cover?

Taxi 4 Maxy

(from 'Bunch Of Fives' e.p.)

Bless this 'ouse

It's Maxy Naus

Off to 'is Ma's

Wiv 'is mate Dave Prowse

Is 'e a man

Or is 'e a mouse?

I 'ad 'im in the back of me cab

shaht yer mush you dirty Arab

Eric wants to smerk a tab

Feel the weight of me left-hand jab

Taxi 4 Maxy!

Fist And Shout

(from 'Bunch Of Fives' e.p.)

Shake yer fists baby naaaah

Fist and shout (fist and shout)

Cahm ahn, cahm ahn, cahm ahn cockernees

Wave yer knuckles abaht

Look at me fist nah girl

It'll feel jahst fine

Square in your kisser

Your place or mine?

Aaaaah (geroff!)

Aaaaah (that 'urts)

Aaaaaah (leave it aht)

Aaaaaaah (bleedin' 'ell)

Yeeeeeeah - awlright!

Breakfast Kipper

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Ring ring seven a.m.

Aht of bleedin' bed again

Smash the fahckin' alarm clock

Makes me ears go Mistah spock

Put me favourite tank top on

Cahp o' char and Embassy number one

Done the same since I was a nipper

'Ere dahlin, where's me breakfast kipper?

Get it ahnder the bleedin' grill

Don't you burn it rahnd the gill

Slap on a bit of that there butter

And put it on a plate for your good old Nutter

You can keep your jam and marmalade

You can give all that stuff to Mud and Slade

All you need's a nice smoked fish

From Billingsgate market on your dish

Ring ring seven a.m.

Aht of bleedin' bed again

Smash the fahckin' alarm clock

Eyes all slanty like Burt Kwouk

Shut Your Mush (Dahn Shepherd's Bush)

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

Put on me mask

Take aht me flask

Sat by the river

Punishin' me liver

Me life's dahn the drain

I need to profane

And I need to lash aht

And shake me fists abaht

And a copper I must clout

But I'm so full of doubt

Doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt

And I fink back to me old ma 'n' pa, pushin' me rahnd in me pram

The blitz ragin' overhead, 'alf me family dead, a diet of stale bread and jam

And I recall the words me gwan used to say when me perambulator she did push

When I opened me marf, she let aht a larf and this I will never forget...

Altogevvah nah....

Oh shut your mush

Dahn Shepherd's Bush

You noisy little brat

They're only whizzbangs and fokkers

And wiv that came a crash, and a lightning flash

And it blew off the silly cah's knockers

Oh shut your mush

Dahn Shepherd's Bush

Oh shut yer mush

Mush, mush, mush, mush, mush, mush, mush, aaaaaarghhh....

Would You Adam And Eve It?

(from 'Confessions' album)

I was takin' a stroll in the Garden of Eden

Wiv sahm slaaag who was from sahm place in Sweden

When I saw this cahple, eatin' an apple

Naffink on baht a fig leaf, I fancied a grapple

(chorus)

Would you Adam and Eve it

G-G-G-Genesis

Would you Adam and Eve it

You must be takin' the piss

Cain and Abel, the land of Nod

You're 'avin' a larf, intcha, God?

Abraham Lincoln and Remi Moses too

Fahnny lookin' for a Jew

(chorus)

Noah's Ark and a plague of frogs

Is it kosher to eat hedgehogs?

Job begat sahm slaaag, begat, begat, begat

My one commandment is shaht it you twat!

(chorus x 3)

Rock'n'Roll Casualty

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

I takes a cigarette

Puts it in me marf

I'm the world's greatest singer

World's hardest singer, anuvver cigarette

In case you forget - woh-bleedin'-woh

You're a rock'n'roll casualty

Last orders are calling

As you stahmble aht the pahb

Bag of chips on the way 'ome

And a saveloy too, and probably a fritter

Too mahch salt'n'vinegar - woh-bleedin'-woh

You're a rock'n'roll casualty

Ahp 'ere in me private jet

Wiv me Moet and eels

I'm the world's greatest singer

Baht the world's loneliest singer, 'ere alone in me jet

I could've been a vet - woh-bleedin'-woh

I'm a rock'n'roll casualty

And Nutter played piaaaaaaanner!

Smirk On The Water

(from 'Smoked - Live At Budokan' album)

We all came oot to London toon

On the Thames not the Tyne shoreline

To make a record with Sid Noggett

Before Nutter had to do some time

Joe Brown & The Bruvvers

Were in the best gaff in toon

Some blerk with a fag lighter

Burnt a w-hole in my dressing goon

Smirk on the water

A fire in the why-aye

Smirk on the water

duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

(3:42 'bass solo')

Churchill Knew The Score

(unreleased)

We will fight them on the beaches

We will fight them dahn the pahbs

We will fight them dahn at Loftus Road

And spend a month in the Scrubs

We will fight them dahn in Clapham

We will fight them after a bender

We will fight them after 'Crossroads'

And we will nevvah bleedin' surrender!

1-2-3-4

Churchill knew the score

5-6-7-8

'Ere Adolf, 'oo won the war?

We will fight them on the beaches

We will fight them dahn the pahbs

We will fight them dahn at Loftus Road

And spend a month in the Scrubs

We will fight them in the Common Market

We will fight them in Torremolinos

We will fight them at Wembley Stadium

And take the Nazis to the fahckin' cleaners

We will fight them on the beaches

We will fight them dahn the pahbs

We will fight them dahn at Loftus Road

And spend a month in the Scrubs

1-2-3-4

Churchill knew the score

5-6-7-8

'Ere Adolf, 'oo won the war?

You fink it's all over, it is naaaaaah

4-2, 4-2, 4-2, 4-2,

4-2, 4-2, 4-2, 4-2

Day Kipper

(from 'Fresh Kipper' box set)

(poor imitation of Paul Daniels): You'll like it, not a lot

No madam, it's not a syrup

KIPPERLIFE!

(poor imitation of Paul Daniels): The lovely Debbie McGhee

You can teach an old dog new tricks

KIPPERLIFE!

(poor imitation of Paul Daniels): Now that's magic - ooh Petal, take your hand off my wand...he loves a bit of it

All the geezahs

All the 'ard geezahs

All chant, fist in air

Kipper bleedin' life

KIPPERLIFE

And she said

I wanna live wiv Clapham people

I wanna do the fings Clapham people do

I wanna fight wiv Clapham people

I wanna fight wiv Clapham people like you

So wot else could I do?

You see, I'd 'ad a few...

Sahm might say that that bloke looks like Eric

And I must admit, there's a similarity-ah

'Is mum looks like that bird Eric shagged that time

On tour in Manchest-ah, on the way back from Burnley-ah

Sahm might say that I like a fight a day

Sahm might say that Petal is a gay

Yeah yeah yeah

And I'll be at Clapham station

In need of gratification through pain

They made no reservations, for my violations

On that tra-ya-yaaain

And she said

I wanna drink wiv Clapham people

I wanna do the fings Clapham people do

I wanna fight wiv Clapham people

I wanna fight wiv Clapham people like you

So wot else could I do?

She's gone and burned me rabbit stew

And I live in a house

A very big house in Clapham

Got tattoos on me chest

And me barnet is blessed

In Clapham

I live to drink, smoke, larf

And use bubble bath

In Clapham

And I like me rest in me old string vest

In Clapham

And some day you will find me

A-kickin' and a-punchin'

In a Watney's Vauxhall Nova

A Watney's Vauxhall Nova

In the sky!!!

KIPPERLIFE!

It Takes A Nation Of Gill-ions To Hold Us Back

(from 'Fresh Kipper' box set)

(impromptu rap, spoken over a looped section of 'Margate' by Chas & Dave)

Yo! Bum rush the show

Get yerselves dahn to Cold Blow

Fight the power!

Fight the Millwall fans!

Fight everybody!

Mullard was a hero to most

Baht 'e nevvah meant shit to me

I preferred that Hylda Baker

Patsy, Babs, and Queenie

Walk this way?

Blimey, if I could walk that way I wouldn't need the orthopaedic shoe

My missus is a lazy cah

She watch Channel Zero

Also known as that new 'Sky T.V.'

This bleedin' geezah I met dahn the Rose & Crahn set it ahp for us

Only went an' nailed a blaaahdy wok to the side o' me 'ouse

Charged me a mahnkey for the gear and a pony for labour

Bleedin' loihabilihty

Anyhahw, sahm Taff wants to say samfink

(Anthony Hopkins): Yeeeeeaaaahhhhh, boyyyyyyyyyo

(Rick Rubin): Oh man, this just ain't workin'. Has anyone got Johnny Cash's phone number?...

Skaface

(B-side of 'Kip Up Fatty')

You're goin' 'ome in a Clapham ambulance

All you bovver boys, listen ahp good

There's gonna be a rumble in the neighbourhood

So lace ahp yer Doc Martens and sharpen yer blades

And stomp your feet to the rockin' beat as we slash ahp the hit parade!

Petal's in the bathroom

Baht not wiv me

The door is locked, the big pansy

Hey you, don't punch him, punch me

It's the hairy, hairy barnet song

One slap beyond

(Sax solo by Blow)

(spoken)

'Ere, this ska stuff's shit. Oh fahck it, I'm orf dahn the boozer...

Eat Kipper

(from 'Slammin' The Famine' album)

Jammin' for the famine

Tryin' to do our bit

Sahm of 'em so skinny

They look worse than Eartha Kitt

Jammin' for the famine

Tryin' to raise sahm dosh

Sahm of 'em so grubby

'Ere sahnshine, get a bleedin' wash

(chorus)

Feed the starving

Tahppence a bag

Tahppence, tahppence

And can you spare the odd fag?

Jammin' for the famine

To get sahm nosh for skinny ribs

So bleedin' malnourished, 'is teef stick aht

More than Barry Gibb's

Jammin' for the famine

For every starvin' nipper

Paht a smile on their miserable mugs

Cahm on kids, eat Kipper

(chorus x 4, celebrity singalong featuring Lemmy, Mike Reid, Chas And Dave, Terry Venables, Faith Brown and Ruth Madoc)

Kip To Be Square

(from 'Fresh Kipper' box set)

Clapham freeway, sahn roof dahn

Pickin' ahp chicks in Lahndahn tahn

Sunglasses on, lookin' tasty

Toppin' ahp me tan so I don't go pasty

Ooooooh, it ain't kip to be square

What's a matter wiv me tank-top, geezah?

Whaddaya mean that me tie's too wide?

Take a look at me tattooed knuckles

My violence C.V. is bona fide

Ooooooh, it ain't kip to be square

Palm trees blowin' dahn by Canary Wharf

Yuppies on their mobile dogs

It used ta be all right rahnd 'ere, you know

Now it's all full of bleedin'...

Ooooooh, it ain't kip to be square

Clapham - I lahv it

Lahndahn - I lahv it

Kipper - I lahv it

Trawlerman's Lament

(Bloater - from 'Fresh Kipper' box set)

From the icy deep blue sea to the good old Dogger Bank

Where Cook he once set sail, and pirates walked the plank

We fish and fish and fish and fish and fish some more

To get your pollocks fresh a-hey, diddle dee diddle door

(chorus)

Pull up yer nets

What have you caught today?

Pull up yer nets

It'll keep you bright and gay

But don't you forget

That a storm may soon be here

And you'll meet a watery death

Hey diddle dee diddle deer

So come all ye trawlermen

In your thick polo neck sweaters

Join up all ye hands

Ye kings of all fish netters

All men together

Doing this manly chore

To get your pollocks fresh a-hey, diddle dee diddle door

Clapham Junction Boogie

(from 'Clapham Calling' album)

Timmy Lea met Bowlsey

And they got dahn to gamb-ell-ing

Timmy Lea 'frew 7

Bowlsey 'ad one over the eight

Timmy said "eh Bowlsey"

"Look at the norks on that"

And wiv that Stanley fell flat on 'is back

Bleedin' ell - start all over again

(boogie piano)

Kipper always nick, lie, and cheat

And trample coppers under our feet

We don't know if it's wrong

To punch you in the face

We don't know if it's wrong

It ain't no bleedin' disgrace

It's our function

To rule Clapham Junction

Sahm blokes from ahp west reckons they're the last gang in tahn

Baht that's a load of bollocks when Kipper are still arahnd

We've been makin' records since 1975

Lived through prog, pahb rock and punk, and 'ere we are, still alive

This rock'n'roll lark's easy, in fact it's a real pisser

Though we make more money from petty larceny - er, evenin', officer

You'd better not bring your truncheon

Dahn to Clapham Junction

(Anthony Hopkins): Wrong 'em, boyo

New Boots And Waistcoats

(from 'Hook Off!' album)

Nah if I knew what 'sardonic' meant

I'd be givin' it sahm o' that

And I wouldn't know 'wry' from a veal 'n' 'am pie

You jahmped-ahp little prat

I don't do subtle irony or naffink

At least, not deliberate like

Baht my genius spews right aht me cake 'ole

'As dahn since I rode a trike

Reasons to be violent, one, two, bleedin' three

So all you pohnces dahn the NME

Shahv yer ballpoints ahp yer jacksie

Cos' I'm so rich, wiv all me royalties and stuff

That I can gob at you aht of a taxi

I got me new boots and waistcoat

Saville bleedin' row, eh squire?

And if I 'ad a sahb-machine gun

I'd open bleedin' fire...

Reasons to be violent, one, two, bleedin' three

I got me new boots and waistcoat

Saville bleedin' Row, eh squire?

And if I 'ad a sahb-machine gun

I'd open...

altogevver nah...

I'd open...

yes I would...

I'd open...

you'd better believe it...

I'd open bleedin' fire...

ba bum

Maggie, Look At My (Opinion) Pole

(from 'Hook Off!' album)

Really, really violent!!!

One Maggie Thatcher

In my government!!!

Humble start in life jahst like me

'Er old man was into greengrocery

I'd rarvver do 'er than Williams or Castle

And unlike Callaghan, she don't speak out 'er arsehole

Really, really violent!!!

One Maggie Thatcher

In my government!!!

She'll paht the Great back into Britain

Nutter knows 'is politics, 'e ain't bullshittin'

Paht on me blue rosette an' shake me fist

And vote for Maggie and then get pissed

Really, really violent!!!

One Maggie Thatcher

In my government!!!

'Ere Dahlin

(from 'Kipper' album)

'Ere dahlin, you ain't arf a picture

If you was stolen property it's me 'oo would've nicked yer

'Ere lady, shahv the kettle on

I'll 'ave a brew, a pie or two, and then I'll be gone

Baht don't be too bleedin' saaaaahd

It ain't really that bleedin' baaaaaahd

Yer 'ardly in a gulag run by that geezer Stalin

Are yer? Eh? Daaaahlin, daaaahlin

'Ere dahlin, you ain't arf a corker

If you was a Balearic Island then I'd always be in Majorca

'Ere lahv, get me waistcoat pressed

I'll splash on me Brut, paht on me suit, the birds'll be impressed

Baht don't be too bleedin' saaaaahd

It ain't really that bleedin' baaaaaahd

You've 'ardly 'ad yer line snapped by a deep sea Marlin

'Ave yer? Eh? Daaaahlin, daaaahlin

Nutter is yer dahlin

Yer dahlin

Nutter is yer dahlin

Too bleedin' right

Happiness Is A Warm Pint

(from 'Kipper' album)

Ooh-bleedin'-blah-blah

Yattering in me shell-like

Ooh-bleedin'-blah-blah

I fink I'd better take a hike

Off dahn Clapham High Street

In me fancy threads

When Nutter's out a-strollin'

'E turns all the birds' 'eads

Ooh-bleedin'-blah-blah

Bovverin' me for me moniker

Ooh-bleedin'-blah-blah

Says "make it aht to Veronica"

Off back dahn the High Street

Barnet lookin' extra ace

When Nutter's out a -strollin'

Shaht your fahckin' face

Ooh-bleedin'blah-blah

Ringing rahnd me bonce

Ooh-bleedin'-blah-blah

'Oo's that jahmped-ahp pohnce?

Off across the High Street

To dish aht sahm punishment

When Nutter's out a-strollin'

'E don't act like a gent

Ooh-bleedin'-blah-blah

I'm spittin' bleedin' fevvers 'ere

Ooh-bleedin'-blah-blah

What I need's a nice warm beer

Cos' 'appiness is a warm pint

Ooooh ooooh, slap-slap-fist-fist (x 10 to fade)

Pearly King

(b-side of 'I'm Gonna Batter You')

Oh me name is little Pearly King

Left 'ooks and rights I lahv to swing

when I'm strollin' rahnd old Lahndahn Tahn

I'm the 'ardest geezah in the mahnor

Tinklin' ivories on the old Joanna

So don't give me no grief you bleedin' claaaahn

I beat ahp Geordie boys

It fills me 'eart wiv joy

And Scousers too, and Manchester puffs

I beat ahp Brummies too

And the odd Scooby-Doo

And Yorkshire puddings, la la la la

Oh me name is Nutter Normington

Not much rhymes wiv that but rum-ti-tum

I'm the self-proclaimed ruler of Lahndahn Tahn

So bow before me you bleedin' proles

And shaht yer filfy big cake-'oles

And don't give me no grief you bleedin' claaaahn

I beat ahp Geordie boys

It fills me 'eart wiv joy

And Irish, blacks, and the odd dog

I beat ahp Gupta Singh

But but ding ding

And Yorkshire puddings, la la la la

Oh me name is little Pearly King

I've got buttons on me ding-a-ling

The best-lookin' geezah in Lahndahn Tahn

I'm the Errol Flynn of Clapham Junction

The ladies lahv to watch me function

So don't give me no grief you bleedin' claaaahn

I beat ahp Geordie boys

It fills me 'eart wiv joy

And yokels too, and Glaswegian puffs

I beat ahp Taffies too

And anyone from Crewe

And Yorkshire puddings, la la la la

So cahm on ladies, form a queue

Look wot Nutter's got for you

My crown jewels are the talk of Lahndahn Tahn

So if you wanna be my Pearly Queen

Then do samfink that's quite obscene

And don't give me no grief you bleedin' claaaahn

I beat ahp Geordie boys

It fills me 'eart wiv joy

And Froggies too, and Dutch puffs

I beat ahp Jerries too

And anyone from Timbuktu

And Yorkshire puddings, la la la la

On The Fiddle

(from 'Timmy: A Cock Opera' album)

Yehudi Menuhin

That geezer ain't genuine

Sellin' dodgy Stradivarius'

Dahn the Mile End Road

Bought one for me gwan

The fing said 'made in Japan'

Well stone the crows, and

I'll be bleedin' blowed

Yehudi Menuhin

That geezer ain't genuine

Pashin' ahp daisies

The devious fahcking toad

Poxy Filf

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

(Colin Welland): "O.K. SWEE-NEY!!!"

(crunching glam-descend guitar intro)

(police car bells ringing a la 'Babylon's Burning' by The Ruts)

We're gonna wish you lots of luck

Cos' yer gonna get into a ruck

Wiv a geezer 'oo don't give a bleedin' fuck

'Ee's AWOL from the army and 'is name's Tim Cook

Poxy filf

You've torn me levver jacket

Poxy filf

It'll cost you a packet

Poxy filf

I'm a villain and a looter

Poxy filf

Blow yer 'ead off wiv me shooter

The filf are bringin' aht their big guns

Waterman, Thaw, and other bitches' sons

Baht there's sahm pohnce wiv 'em, a gangly streak of piss

It's Tristram's dad off 'George & Mildred', see how he runs

Poxy filf

You've torn me levver jacket

Poxy filf

Norman Eshley couldn't hack it

Poxy filf

I'm a villain and a looter

Poxy filf

Blow yer 'ead off wiv me shooter

Yoofa Joyce

Is me bird of choice

If tarts were motors

She'd be a Rolls Royce

(George Sweeney): Bollocks to yer Woolworth's pick'n'mix

All I wanna do is kick sahm Micks

I might 'ave ta make do wiv sahm Paddies

Move over, Winstone, cos' Tim Cook's the Daddy

Poxy filf

You've torn me levver jacket

Poxy filf

Gonna make a bleedin' racket

Poxy filf

I'm a fighter not a lover

Poxy filf

You'd better run for cover

Arthur English - you poxy grarse!

I Could Be So Good For You

(b-side of 'Poxy Filf')

Waterman got hooked up wiv sahm tart, name of Lenska

I fink she come from Sweden, or as they say there, Svenska

Thaw was in the cahnting house, dishin' aht the dosh

When in cahm Sheila what's-er-face, so 'e gave 'er a quick cosh

2-3-4

(chorus) I could be so good for you

2-3-4

I could be so good for you

2-3-4

Ooooooh-ooooooh

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Cor blimey

Garfield Morgan, lahv a dahck, wot a bleedin' pohnce

Won't let the good old Sweeney beat ahp sahm old nonce

Nah Dennis has dahn a bunk, gone off to work wiv Cole

And Glyn Edwards 'oo plays the barman is a right arsehole

(chorus)

Bleedin' 'ell Thawy, don't do that shit 'Morse'

Whately is a Geordie, 'ee can't 'old 'is bleedin' sauce

I know you've got a gammy leg and you need the cash

Baht I'd rarvver you did adverts, for exahmple 'Mash get Smash'

(chorus x 4)

Bridgewaterman

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

Dahn the farm, shotgun blast

Regan he can't run too fast

Carter leaves him in his wake

They'll solve this crime for Alan Lake

Dahn the Hawforns, it's Big Ron

Nice one Cyrille, go on my son

Laurie, Brendan, Remi playing with vigour

'Ere, watch out for that left back you lazy...

(chorus) Justice, that's what we want

Justice, that's what we'll get

Justice, da-doo-ron-ron

The paperboy was the teacher's pet

Awlright!

Too bleedin' right!

Dahn the Bullring, it's the Micks

But unlike Nutter they can't pull chicks

So they plant bombs in Brummie boozers

Stick to tarmac-ing, you sad excuses

Dahn the boozer, Terry the scribe

Writin' 'Hazel' and takin' the odd bribe

Best bleedin' boss we've ever 'ad

We got fings for you to do Tel, like Alan Ladd

(chorus)

Dahn the local, 'avin' a jar

Writin' these words before I get in me car

Drinkin' and drivin', baht I always clunk-click

Me second 'ome is the bleedin' nick

Dahn the farm, shotgun blast

Liz Fraser she was in the cast

I used to 'ave a fing for that dollybird

It was me, 'er, Stranks, Patsy, and lemon curd

(chorus)

O.k. Batt, gimme sahm strings!

Nah let's all dance like pearly kings

(chorus x 4)

Rowlands Around In It

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

i) TINY

Tiny tycoon came into my room

Trying to do me for libel

I gave 'im a grin, stuck one on 'is chin

Al Fayed ain't 'is only rival

Look out! Did someone mention Dexy's?

ii) KEVIN

Well you wrote that song abaht your missus Gena

Baht she's only gawn and left you for a window cleaner

I'm not surprised, you scruffy 'erbert

You've got a face like an arse and you smell like a turbot

Watch it! did someone mention Patsy?

(spoken) 'Ere, before I begin, I wrote this before she popped 'er clogs.

I ain't a negrophiliac

It's a what?

Oh, necrophiliac

Look, I ain't any philiac, awlright

So shaht it, or you'll be a fistaphiliac

'Ere we go...part 'free

iii) PATSY

You want a flame haired temptress?

Well forget Patsy Palmer

I'll stick wiv Rowlands

She's a real bleedin' charmer

She's got lavverly freckles and a proper good physique

Palmer, go back to Ricky, you mouthy bleedin' freak

Sorted!

(off mic) Will that do?

Gaffe At My Gaff (Gaffer)

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

'Ello Bill, cahm on in

Make yerself at 'ome

I'll go and put the kettle on

'Ere, don't sit on me comb

" 'Ahs yer missus, 'ahs the kids?"

I shahts so 'ee can 'ear me

When I get back wiv the char

'Ee's got 'is plates ahp on me settee

I drops the cahps and go berserk

You filfy fahckin' git

You don't do that rahnd Nutter's gaff

Aht of 'im I kick the shit

'Ello Bill, fahck off aht

You ain't welcome in my home-a

I'll see you in a mahnf or two

When you get aht yer bleedin' coma

Kipper 2000

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

'Ere we go

Start the show

123, are you ready?

Cahm on Tim

Hit the fing

And on backing vocals, we've got Oddie

Bit o' bass

Shake the place

Ooh, I fink a joanna cahms in 'ere

We're better than Oasis

We're off our bleedin' faces

Where's El Tel wiv our bloomin' beer?

(chorus) Our name is Kipper

Kipper

Mean as Jack The Ripper

The name is Kipper

Kipper

Hang on to your head

We'll knock you all dead tonight

'Oo's this proper charlie

Oh, it's Pasquale

Wiv 'im, we've been to loads of pahbs and clahbs

(Joe Pasquale): Alright, Nutter?

Where's me butter?

I wanna spread it on me Jacobs

(chorus)

On guitar

Sahm bloke 'oo drives a car

Wot? his name's 'Damon'? Sahnds like a cahnt

Baht Graham Hill's was his old man

And of 'im I am a fan

Cos' 'ee's better than that pohnce James Hunt

These are the facts

On annuvver axe

We've got sahmone else called 'D. Hill'

They call 'im 'Super Yob'

Baht if 'ee weren't doin' this, 'ee wouldn't 'ave a job

And if 'ee mentions Slade once more, his face I'll fill

(chorus)

'Ere, it's Big Ron

Atkinson

'Ee's a geezer wiv many hats on

His bite's worse than his bark

You can always rely on him for a racist remark

Abaht Cunningham, Regis or Batson

So cahm on girls and boys

Let's make a little noise

And 'ave ourselves a celebration

And if the police

Say it's a breach of the pee-u-eece

I'll see you all dahn at the station, AWLRIGHT?!

(chorus to fade until instruments and mixing desk explode)

Asbo

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

What's this 'ere in me letterbox?

I betcha it's annuver bleedin' bill

Or sahm free gift from Reader's Digest

Or a begging note from Superyob Hill

'Ere, 'old yer 'orses, what's all this?

Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah

It's all 'ere in black and white

Sir Nutter's been served an ASBO

(chorus) Anti-social

Anti-social

Bee-ee-ee-haviour

Anti-social

I might move to Moldavia

Awlright!

'Oo wants a fight?

You neighbourhood watchers better watch aht

Cos' I don't like grarssing and snitching

It's concrete socks or a wooden box

If I see any bleedin' curtains twitchin'!

A is for Aggro - cahm on, clap yer 'ands

S is for Shahtin' - cahm on, make a stand

B is for Breakin' fings - cahm on, stamp yer feet

O is for 'Orrible - cahm on, feel the beat

(chorus x 3)

John Paul Gorged On Ringos

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

(Brian Clough, sampled): "That Polish goalkeeper's a bloody clown"

You 'eard the news?

The Pope's brahn bread

Pneumonia or sahm shit

Is what they said

Baht that's Papal bull

Nutter's got the troof

Abaht old Carol

And I've got the proof

1-2-1-2-3-4, listen ahp or I'll give yer what for...

He had a penchant for 70s snacks

'Ee'd often eat ahp to 60-odd packs

Wolfin' 'em dahn like a bahnch of dingoes

John Paul gorged on Ringos

Jee-ee-sus Christ

He lahved cheese and onion, his favourite fl-i-aviour

He gave 'em aht at Communion as the body of his saviour

And eventually they were the cause of his death

And the ugly old sod 'ad bleedin' awful bad breath

John Paul gorged on Ringos

Jee-ee-sus Christ

KERRRIST!

On a bike

What was 'e like?

'Ere, watch me mic

Take a hike

Awlright!

mp3

(download-only track)

It's all a download of old bollocks, ain't it?

As far as I'm concerned, 'e.p.' stands for 'eel pie'

'L.P.'? That's Lester Piggott, Bowlesy's fave

'45' is the age I've been since 1989

And 'CD' is me old mates Chas and Dave

Baht there's sahm new fing they've invented

Miles better than Clive Sinclair's scooter

I can do it at me keyboard

And I ain't even got a computer

Massive pahnch-ahp!

mp3 - awlright?

REBOOT!!!

Nutter International

(download-only track)

Ahtside the pie shop Sahndee lahnch

Sahm fahcking wankah gave me a pahnch

'Ee was six foot six and a little bit 'andy

But compared to yer Nibs he was like Andy Pandy

The pohnce 'ad hit me square in the eye

Fankfully I nevvah dropped me eel pie

I regained me composure and gave 'im a slap

I gave the customary warning - I'm an 'onourable chap

'Ee took no bleedin' notice - big mistake

I took 'im to the fahcking cleaners - piece of cake

At least it'll save 'im on 'is rent

Nah 'is accommodation is an oxygen tent

Fanks to the supersonic fists of yours truly

'Ee's a shadder of the geezer 'ee used ta be

'Ee can't go back to clapham, Nutter's got his number

The cahnt is in a coma - enjoy yer bleedin' slumber

King Cant

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

Turning back the tide (la-la-la)

To me favourite decade (la-la-la)

That's right, the Seventies (la-la-la)

When you could call a spade a spade

The Yorkshire Ripper, the Black Panfer

Pahb bombings, 3-day week

British Leyland, Emlyn Hughes

Pam Ayres and Joey the Greek - ALL SHIT!

Norvvern Ireland, Vietnam

Palestine, Idi Amin

Trade unions, 'Arold Wilson

Jimmy Osmond and me Auntie Jean - ALL SHIT!

(chorus)

Play School, Play Away, hey, hey, hey

Trumpton, Chigley, Camberwick Green

King Cant, King Cant, Super Brian

Cheered us up via the t.v. screen

Guy the gorilla, Tony 'Atch

Don Revie, Jim Callaghan

Revlon Atomic, Richard Dunn

Marj Proops and Eric's gran - ALL SHIT!

Petal played a Fender, turned aht to be a bender

As for Eric Clapton, he got off on being crapped on

Dave Hill was SuperYob baht 'ee's got a tiny knob

As for Lindsay Buckingham, he picked ahp pigs and got caught...

(chorus)

Turning back the tide (la-la-la)

To me favourite decade (la-la-la)

That's right, the Seventies (la-la-la)

R. White's lemonade...

Tony Green The Childcatcher

(Arrowflight - from '180' album)

(lyrics: Burroughs/Waddell)

Pomade parade

Click-clack

I can smell Benson's

Sovereign rings

Smick-smack

I can taste brown 'n' mild

Greasy palms

Nick-nack

I can hear a lonesome child

'Scuse me, John

Mind yer back, Eric

Just popping out for a breath of fresh air

Stale sweat on open-neck shirt

Fag smoke and bacon rind

Dandruff and brass buttons

Social club, working man, C.H.I.L.D.

Giant locusts and oche jockeys

Pocket full of sweets, needles and arrers

Junked-up paedo in a sea of torment

(chorus)

And we all love darts

Magic! Magic! Magic!

And we all love darts

Magic! Magic! Magic!

Filth-monger, heavy bracelet of cheap gold

Loss of youth, snooker or pool? No!

Darts

Lure of the chalk?

Sick...sick...

(chorus)

(Doin' The) Shoreham Shuffle

(download-only track)

As per usual, an after-the-boozer scuffle

Coppah cahms along and says "what's all this kerfuffle?"

Keep yer snout aht, pig, go and sniff aht a truffle

We wuz only doin' the Shoreham Shuffle

(chorus) Doin', doin', doin' do what

Doin', doin', doin', do what

oi-oi-oi-oi

Doin', doin', doin' do what

Doin', doin', doin', do what

oi-oi-oi-oi

The Shoreham Shuffle

Know what I mean?

Course ya do, Malcolm

Awlright!

Cor blimey

Strike a light

(x2)

(sax solo sampled/stolen from 'Baker Street')

(Bradley Walsh): Get back to work you lot!

Makin' me way ahp Clapham High Street

Pair of docs on me plates of meat

'Ere, Gerry Rafferty, don't get all ahppitty

You've 'ad sahm minor hits and you get on me tits

(chorus x 2)

(ensemble): der-der-der-der-der-der-der-der

NUTTER!

Aaah-aaah!

He'll beat up every one of us...

(Nutter Normington): Too bleedin' right

(chorus x 4)

(fade-out): Tony, Tony, Tony, aht, aht, aht

'Ere Brahn, dahnload this if you dare!

Fleet St. Heat

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

Piers Morgan has got a tiny sexual organ

There's a headline for ya, me old mucker

Stick that on yer frahnt page, sahnshine

You talentless, pahblic school, ugly fucker

(chorus) Fleet St. heat

Has got me all in a spin

Fleet St. heat

I'm gonna pop one on yer chin

Fleet St. heat

I've got me mug all over the paper

Fleet St. heat

For an alleged sexual caper

Awlright! Oh, and that bleedin' fight...

Piers Morgan has got a tiny sexual organ

And he printed those pictures from Iraq

You should have called me, I've got 2 or 3

Of me givin' sahm Shi'ite a smack

(chorus)

Oh Piers - you nonce

Oh Piers - you pohnce

No time for your tears

Oh Piers - you nonce

Oh Piers - you pohnce

(Eric): You are a disgreeeaarce

Oh Piers - you nonce

Oh Piers - you pohnce

Let's go aht for sahm beers

Only kiddin'...ha ha YOU TWAT!

Print that! Ha ha YOU TWAT!

(chorus x 3)

Moped-ing

(Petal - solo single)

I'm moped-ing (vroom)

Not like Chris Spedding

I'm going thiry

And feeling dirty

Mincing down the Queen's highway

Just like a hairy fairy

I'm moped-ing (vroom)

Off down to Reading

Leather trousers (vroom)

And flowery blouses

Mincing down the Queen's highway

Just like a hairy fairy

I'm moped-ing (vroom)

Not like Chris Spedding

I'm going thiry

And feeling dirty

Mincing down the Queen's highway

Just like a hairy fairy

I'm moped-ing (vroom)

My thighs a-spreading

Ooh he looks butch (vroom)

Pull on my clutch

I've a dream, lilac, cream machine...

(to fade)

Pahblic Information

(unreleased)

Lok out kids, it's Patrick Cargill

More contact wiv minors than Arfur Scargill

If gettin' run over ain't your ambition

Do what Nutter does - Stop! Ruck! And Listen

AWLRIGHT! Nutter says...

Fireworks, pylons, dogs wiv rabies

Drinkin' an' drivin' 'n' catchin' scabies

Most of all, use fire doors

And watch broken bottles on Fido's paws

AWLRIGHT! Nutter says...

I'll see you all dahn the pahblic information!

Docs On For Dick Green

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

Old Dick Green got a ruptured spleen

What a bleedin' shame

Nah all the coppahs rahnd our mahnor

Are tryin' ta pin the blame...

(chorus)

On 'oo? On 'oo? On 'oo?

On me! On me! On me!

On 'oo? On 'oo? On 'oo?

On me! On me! On me!

Har-har, let's wait and see

(Joe Pasquale): Ooh, watch me Jacobs!

You cheeky bleeder!

Eh? Where was I...oh yeah

O.k., so I 'ad 'is DNA on me docs

That don't prove naffink, coppah

I reckon it was that ex-Chelsea 'ard-man

Ron Harris, a.k.a. Chopper

(chorus)

You bleedin' twaaaaats!

Una Paloma Wankah

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

At the hop

Ooooh baby

Don't go to the hop

It's King's pick-up stop

Don't go to the hop

He'll offer you a lollipop

Don't go to the hop

Oooooh! Oooooh! Aaaaargh!

Awlright!

Jahmp ahp 'n' dahn wiv yer fist in the air!

1-2-3-4

Una Paloma Wankah

King's aht the slammer today

Una Paloma Wankah

"Lock up yer sons" what I say

And no-one can take his baseball hat away

When King cahms dahn the mahntin'

Wiv 'is crooked fahckin' grin

I'll be waitin' wiv me muckers

And we'll do the peedo in...

Una Palomah Wankah

Watch as 'is glarsses go flyin'

Una Paloma Wankah

I'll piss meself as he's dyin'

Ha-ha-ha

Everyone's gone to the bleedin' moon!

That's for Jimmy Pursey, you nonce!

Ruckin'

(from 'Celebrity Fight Club' album)

Ruckin' dahn Bermondsey

Scrappin' ahp the Strand

Twattin' rahnd Golders Green

D'ya wanna feel the back of me 'and?

Most of the geezahs I bahmp into nahwadays

Apologies and take off on their toes

Obviously I'm a little disgruntled

So I smack the pohnces on the bleedin' nose

(chorus)

Sahmtimes I use the trusty knee

Ovver times, I use me boot

A bahnch o' fives is me favourite though

Cover ahp your root-de-toot

Lately it occurs to me

What a long strange fist it's been

Wallopin' dahn Pimlico

Scufflin' ahp Trafalgar Square

Stompin' rahnd dear Buck Pal

D'ya like me new improved Barnet Fair?

Most of the birds I get off wiv nahwadays

Are a tad averse to the old slap 'n' tickle

Obviously I'm a little fahcking livid

A good few end ahp in the hospickle

(chorus)

Eric what a norvvern nob

Blow what a senile old git

Snowy what a bleedin' mess

Zombie what a pile of shit

Nutter what a diamond geezer

Nutter what a fine specimen

Nutter what a Pearly King

D'ya wanna get yer 'ead kicked in?

(chorus)

What a long strange fist it's been

'Ere, 'old on, that don't make sense

'Ere, so what, I'm NUTTER! THE KING!

Rock'n'Roll Trousers

(from 'Bandana Boyz' album - Petalz Dirty Lollipopz)

Run yer nails down my satin jacket

Drag yer heels across my snakeskin boots

Rip my leopard print t-shirt a lil' bit more

Grab a hold of my root-de-toots

Ya know chicks in glass houses don't wear blouses

When they take a look at my rock'n'roll trousers

(chorus)

I got rock'n'roll trousers

And they're starting to swell

I got rock'n'roll trousers

You can polish my bell

I got rock'n'roll trousers

All night long

Oh yeah

Baby, baby, baby

C'mon!

Ding-dong

King-kong

Hey Suzie Wong!

Rock'n'roll trousers!

(lengthy guitar solo)

Smear your mascara across-a my collar

Spray yer scent on my red bandanas

Get your lipstick on my dipstick honeychile

You've got a face like a bag of spanners

Ya know chicks in glass houses don't wear blouses

When they take a look at my rawk'n'rawl trousers

(chorus)

oooh - take a-hold a my zip

oooh - take a big meat trip

oooh...oooh...ooooh...yaaaaaaah! Aieeeeeee!

(chorus)

(lengthy guitar coda)

ROCK'N'ROLL TROUSERS! Yeeeeeeeaahh!

'Ere Geezer

(from 'You Can't Kipper Good Band Down' album)

When I wuz a nipper

Before I invented Kipper

I used to 'ave a lavverly little dog

He was really chipper

'E chewed ahp me slipper

And 'ad a go at Gwandad's clog

His name was Geezer

He once peed on the freezer

He was a right larf, a proper little clown

Then I went aht wiv Teresa

An' I tried real 'ard to please 'er

So I 'ad the little barstard put dahn

But late at night when the cold wind blows

A ghostly voice I 'ear

(chorus)

'ere Geezer - cahm on boy

'ere Geezer - gitcha rubber toy

'ere Geezer - fetcha stick

'ere Geezer - you fahcking lunatic

Now I dumped that tart Teresa

Baht I can't get back little Geezer

He's gone where all them good doggies go

No I can't get back little Geezer

Even though I'm a modern Julius Caesar

He's gawn furvver sarf than Waltham-bleedin-stow

And when the shutters bang at the witching hour

A spectral chant erupts

(chorus)

'ere Geezer - 'ee said you ate babies

'ere Geezer - 'ee reckoned you 'ad rabies

'ere Geezer - guilty as sin

'ere Geezer - do the fahcker in

Woooooooh!

WOOF WOOF!

Thank gawd it's just a story

.....or is it?.....WOOF WOOF!

Fumblin' About

(single by Nutter Normington & Devonia Rhodes)

Verse 1

(Nutter) When I get in I'm onto a winnah

(Devonia) Stop grinnin' that grin

You ain't 'avin me for dinner

(Nutter) Try to cut a dash

You just say 'Cut it aht'

(Both) That's how it ends

Much more than friends

Fumblin' abaht.

(Devonia) I guess I should have known

What I let me in for

Instead of carrying me 'cross your threshold

(Nutter) I rammed you up against me door

Your dress was all messed up, darlin'

That's when you started to sho-ou-ou-aht

(Both) The neighbours complained

We just laughed like drains

Fumblin' abaht.

(Refrain- both) Fumblin' abaht no matta wevver it's day or night time

Coz any time you're showin' aht is the right time

Fumblin' abaht coz we know we wuz meant to be luvvers

Fumblin' abaht coz we can't get the foil off the rubbers

Verse 2

(Devonia) But I guess that I know

You're just what I need

When I was backed into a corner, baby

(Nutter) I came over there and peed

You frew me downstairs

(Devonia) I damn near frew you a-a-a-ha-haht

(Both) We're two of a kind

Smashed aht of our minds

Fumblin' abaht.

(Sax solo)

(Middle 8)

(Both) Muvvers and favvers they fought 'wot a palava'

They hung their heads in despair

But they do the same when they're addlin' their brains

So how can they even compare?

They tell us that we should stop fightin'

They say that they don't approve

But as long as you're punchin' me lights in

I know I got nothin' to lose

Verse 3

(Nutter) But it's not what they say

You can give it back good

(Devonia) You're just a long-haired denim-clad laaaht from Borehamwood

(Nutter) Got on my knees and proposed

You just said 'Leave it aaaaaaht'

Fell into a strop

(Devonia) I got back on top

Started fumblin' abaht

(Nutter) The lampshade got broken

Guess that's just a token

Of fumblin' abaht

(Both) We're happy this way

We end every day

Fumblin' abaht!!!!!!!

(Spoken outro)

(Nutter) Ere, you know that nite when I came in frough the windah an' put me 'ead frough the telly?

(Devonia) Remember it, aah can I forget it? I was tryin' to watch Friller. Now I'll nevvva know wot appened.

(Nutter) I dunno, my mate Brian Connolly sez e's got this special machine wot copies stuff of the box.

(Devonia) My Mum's got one of them.

(Nutter) You're avin a larf.

(Devonia) Straight up.

(Nutter) Wot's it called again?

(Devonia) Me bruvver. E's always tryin' to be Spiderman and climb up the wall.

(Nutter) Talkin' of which, when I cam frough that windah somefing soft broke me fall.

(Devonia) That'll be 'im.

(Nutter) Ere, do any of your mates put it abaht? That Q looks like she could do with a good seeing to, snobby caaah. And that Anna, she's a right raver. Left 'er 'usband for a spade geezer!! I'm sure she wouldn't mind some Normington Naughties...

(Devonia) Leave off. They're Little Ladies. Mind you, that welsh bint Rox wot's just joined, I bet she would. Wan drop of the 'ard stuff and she's anyone's.

(Nutter) Well, I know wot I'd say to chat er up then.

(Devonia) Go on.

(Nutter) Just llaibach and prestatyn.

(Devonia) You do, and I'll be onto that Timmy before 'e can tighten 'is 'i 'at. 'E always said 'e wanted to lay Rhodes for a livin'....

(So forff and fade aaaht)

...And A Singalong

(Timmy Lea and Nutter Normington - from 'Kipper Ties' album)

Timmy and Jah and Nutter 'ere

Wiv a real bad bout of verbal diarrhoea

Timmy, go on, 'it ver fing

Jah boy, pluck that fick bass string

I'll bash the ivories, we can't go wrong

Nutter 'ere'll lead the singalong...

1-2-a-1-2-3, here's one for me dear old ma

It goes...

Billingsgate Market

Petticoat Lane

Me old gwandad's barrer

Then off to Charing Cross for 'er train

Billingsgate Market

Petticoat Lane

Me old gwanma's pie-shop

Jump off at Clapham Junction half-insane

(only kiddin', ma...)

She lahv'd 'er gin

Free pints a night

Poor old gel

She snahffed it... well, I fought she might

Nevvah mind...

altogevvah nah

Billingsgate Market

Petticoat Lane

Highgate Ceme-bleedin'-tery

Fahnd 'er brahn bread in a drain

Viol-8

(unreleased - performed at the charity 'Viol-8' event, 2005)

'ere Chas, me old, there's sahm starvin' kids

Geldof'll 'elp 'em, 'is career's on the skids

'old a big bash dahn Hyde Park Corner

While 'e sups champagne in 'is portable sauna

'ere Dave, me old, 'ee's not a Sir, 'ee's a Mick

They should stick to tarmacing, they make me sick

Cahmin' over 'ere and nicking our jobs

Wiv dead junkie wives and yappety gobs

(chorus)

Viol-8 - Sir Nutter and the boys are 'avin' a bash

Viol-8 - Sir Nutter and the boys are after yer cash

Viol-8 - dig deep, sahnshine, flash us sahm sovs

Viol-8 - we're gonna make sure it goes to the povs

'ere Mr. Steele, me old, I feel sorry for that Ure

'ee was as integral a part as Bob of 'elpin' the poor

Baht that scruffy 'erbert took the fahckin' accolades

Stick to what you know best - semtex and grenades

'ere Hill, me old, Geldof's over in Eefiopia

Every year 'e looks ropier and ropier

Not like yer nibs, take a gander at me fizzog

I'm a real bleedin' Sir, I know how to help a ...

(chorus x 3)

Ain't Punched No-one For Ages

(from 'Natural Born Kippers' e.p.)

'ere bruv, would you Adam'n'Eve it, it's Grant'n'Phil

In a bit of bovvah wiv that copper aht The Bill

This pair of bruisers don't take the chill pill

'oo sez that they're over the bleedin' hill?

Spahtin' lines like a cahple of sages

More bionic than that geezer Lee Majors

These animals should be locked in cages

And...and...and...

(Grant & Phil): "We ain't punched no-one for ages"

(chorus)

Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch

Then take Dale Winton aht to lunch

Punch, punch, punch, punch, smack

When they bringin' Lofty back?

Awlright...I'm a knight baht I still like a fight

And...and...and...

(Grant & Phil): "We ain't punched no-one for ages"

They may 'ave paht on a few pahnds and lost their 'air

Baht there ain't no-one to touch 'em in Albert Square

They nearly did that Dennis in wiv a bleedin' chair

Baht Sharon stuck 'er oar in - yeah, yeah, yeah!

So they've been in the nick a cahple o' times

They're the Mitchell boys, they've dahn their share o' crimes

Baht they can outfight, outthink and outdrink Tosh Lines

And...and...and...bollocks to the rhymes

(all): "We ain't punched no-one for ages"

(chorus to fade)

Scalextricxmasmorningbrawlloftusroadboxingdayscuffle

(fankyouforlettinmepeemicelfagainuwankah)

(from 'Deck The Halls' album)

"ding-a-ling... iiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Xmas!!!!"

Race dahn the apples and pears

What's Saint Nicked left for me?

Only a fahckin' massive box

Ahnderneaf the xmas tree

Baht what's this 'ere written on the label?

To me kid bravver from me Auntie Mabel

Happy xmas dear nephew, hope you enjoy this present

As you can guess, listener, fings got a little unpleasant

The little scrote tears open the paper

It's Scale-bleedin'-lextric

So I do the little fahcker good'n'propah

Wiv a left 'ook and a deft kick

Me ma and pa cahms saunterin' dahn

After one too many sherbets

Me old man says what's goin' on

You filthy little 'erberts

I tells 'im I wants this car racin' fing

And not Buck-a-fahckin'-roo

Then scrape me bravver off the floor

And paht 'is teef back in wiv glue

Nah I'm still bleedin' livid by kick off next day

It's a good job we're at Loftus Road, I 'ate travellin' away

I take aht my displeasure on the aht-of-tahn fans

And every face I punch I pretend is my old man's

It was 'is bleedin' sister 'oo mixed ahp the presents

And 'ee let me bravver keep it cos' nah 'ee looks like Donald Pleasence

'Ee's mentally retarded and it's the fault of Auntie Mabel

And when the match is over I'll drink you cahnts ahnder the table

It's Alright Ma, He's Only Bleedin' Bleedin'

(from 'Natural Born Kippers' e.p.)

I get ahp arahnd abaht noon

Cahver me cornflakes wiv Silver Spoon

Stanley knife blade, me pants are loon

Paht on sahm Mac & Katie Kissoon

Watch me DVD of Terry & June

Is that me bacon frying?

Makin' threats, me shotgun sawn

Glitter readin' dodgy porn

Blow's dead man's mahfpiece and rusty horn

Plays 'Do The Clapham' til dawn

He not busy lahvin' Kipper

Will soon be dyin'

Evening Standard page lobbed at me door

QPR have failed to score

Bring back Bowlesy, we all roar

Him and Gerry and old Safe 'Ands,

Oh bleedin' ell, that don't rhyme

So that'll be one more person dyin'

What the bleedin' 'ell's goin' on rahnd 'ere

A foreigner bleatin' in me ear

It's all right ma, I'm only fighting

Nice warm Victory Vs, Albert Hall

Tricky Woo, All Creatures Great And Small

You'll get black eyes if time you call

When Nutter's on anavver pahb crawl

While as I says "hate everything and all

Especially pohnces"

Me old man's pitbull starts to bark

He looks a bit like old Frank Clarke

Attacking nippers on the park

A flesh-coloured Nutter that fights in the dark

You lookin' at me, I think you are

Take that mush

You bleedin' wankah!

I never go to village fetes

Or listen to that twat Tom Waits

Just go rahnd me china plate's

His mum's got a face like Eric Gates

Baht even the president

of the East Hackney Co-op

Sometimes must have to get sorted

A big fahck-off spike in the road has been lodged

'Ere Bolan, is that a tree you meant to dodge

And it's alright ma, I've got an alibi

'Ere cor blimey, strike a light, strewth

When Kipper was at number one

Petal dahn a duet wiv Elton John

On the M4 doin' a ton

Meanwhile 'That's Life' was always on

That big-teefed jew

You shit yourself, when Nutter's near

You suddenly find you got me to fear

Don't be a nonce, wipe away that tear

Cahm on sahnshine, sahp ahp your beer

Allo allo allo what's goin' on 'ere?

The filf fink

They gawn and fahnd you

A Question Of Sports wiv that laffin' git

'Ee don't know the bleedin' answer, the bowl-headed shit

I prefer Bill Beaumont in a rugby kit

But not in that way - you're dead, you...er...nit

Awlright, ooooh

So Nutter makes the rules

For Eric, Zombie, and the fools

I am bleedin' great, ma, I'm a geezer

Nah those 'oo don't respect my aufority

Will get a fist and then a knee

And end ahp in the infirmary

Meals thru' straws for their tea

Say it wiv flowers? Not me

Chuck a brick, cave their fahckin' 'eads in

I ain't got principles, did you realise?

Wiv platform shoes and kipper ties

Petal in his drag disguise

Jon-jon Sauvage can criticise

It's Tommy Steele I idolize

And then I shaht "Gawd bless 'im"

It wasn't me and Eric 'oo dahn that fire

How you bleedin' doin' squire?

Ronnie & Reggie doin' dentistry wiv pliers

Snowy Owl and his spare tyre

Big Phil Parkes, he's in the goal this season

Cause I mean harm, it's your fault

You can't beat mindless assault

Baht it's alright ma, I'm fahckin' nails

Who's that on the apples and pears?

It's only bleedin' Lionel Blair

Wiv Red Adair and face-lift Cher

Nutter doesn't talk, 'e swears

And smacks 'em all in wiv busted chairs

Proper 'andy, that'll be a pony

Nah no-one's as good at fightin' as me

Wiv a killer's fist, one two free

Poor Blow's off floatin' in the sea

What a fahckin' do-re-mi

Timmy Lea, Kenny G

I'm runnin' aht of rhymes you see

So bollocks, shit, and bleedin'

My minces smack bonce-first wiv stahffed bone-'oles

Dodgy deities, I scuffle

Wiv any fella cos' I am tough

I've worn a million 'andcuffs

Kick me legs to kick 'em off

Say awlright, I'm not a poof

I've nevvah worked wiv Joe Meek

And if me fort-dreams could be seen

They'd cahvver me barnet ahp wiv brylcreem

But it's alright ma, it's fights and fights only

Trinidad And Tobacco

(from 'Kipper Win The World Cup' album)

(spoken): " 'Ere Eric, where's the bleedin' radio?"

"Why aye man, nutter, durn't ya remembah, ya smashed it when that Jonathan Ross played that Wrestlin' Nancy Boys record"

"Bleedin' 'ell, the World Cahp draw's on in a minute"

"Can ya not put the telly on like man?"

"Do wot? I frew it aht the bleedin' windah larst week, you Geordie pohnce"

"Well what we gonna do then man? I mean, we could be drawin' Brazil or that Argentina, like"

"Leave it to yer uncle Nutter"

(sound of footsteps)

(muffled sound of a scuffle in the alley outside)

(sound of a door slamming)

(sound of running footsteps)

" 'Ere Eric - how do ya get Radio Five Live on one o' these iPod fings then? Oh hang on - I fink I've dahn it.

This is it

Sweden! Piece of piss

Paraguay? You're 'avin' a bleedin' larf, mate

(sound of hysterical cockney laughter)

You ain't gonna believe this, old sahn! We're only playin' against sahm bahnch o'sooties! Fellah on the wireless reckons they're called Trinidad an' Tobacco!!"

(sung)

Them jockos failed in '78

Cos' they 'ad a boss called Ally

We're playin' Trinidad in Nuremburg

And we'll stay on for the rally

Me back ain't 'alf playin' ahp again

I fink I've got lumbago

Even bleedin' Peter Crouch might score

Against Trinidad And Tobago

(spoken)

" 'Ere Eric, didn't that Bob Hazell play for them?

Not a bad centre-'alf, for a jigaboo

Me old mates El Tel and Nicholas Ball sued 'im once, for nickin' the name 'Hazell' off 'em.

'E did ten years in the Scrubs, so this geezah dahn the pahb reckoned..."

(to fade)

Do The England

(from 'Kipper Win The World Cup' album)

'Ere's a merry new dance tune from Sarf Wembley

It's called The England

'Ere's a new dance that's goin' round Bermondsey

It's gonna be the rage in Germany

The principal aim is winnin' the World Cahp

Baht we've got sahm bald geezer in charge so we'll probably fahck it ahp

(chorus) It's foot-tappin'

It's sorta... 'and-clappin'

It's even finger-snappin'

It's The England

Do The England

(Jimmy Pursey): 'Urry ahp 'Arry, get the beers in

Cos' we're gonna fight the Swedes, the Krauts, the Paraguay-ins

And wevver you sahpport QPR, Spurs or Arsenal

:You can do this dance on sahmone's metatarsal

(chorus)

(Jimmy Pursey): If the kids are united they will never be divided

If we paht Peter Crouch ahp frahnt the game will be one-sided

Forget the Charleston, the Lambada, or the bleedin' Twist

If you don't do The England you'll feel Nutter's fahckin' fist

Venables

(from 'Kipper Win The World Cup' album)

Well I saw El Tel on the box larst night

Wiv that bird 'oo does the footy, Gabby Logan

What the bleedin' 'ell does that bint know

they might as well ask Terry fahckin' Wogan

Well El Tel is the king of the pundits

Ee nevvah gets naffink wrong

Baht that slaaag dahted 'is wisdom

So I've gawn an' wrote this bleedin' song

We talk real Cockney rahnd 'ere

We drink too much an' shaht dead lahd

Don't give a toss abaht no Norvvern tahns

We're Cockernees an' we're prahd

(chorus) We're Cockneys, Cockneys

Don't know our 'arris from an 'ole in the grahnd

We're Cockneys, Cockneys

We're Cockernee an' we're prahd

Well you Norvvern types 'ave got black puddin'

Whippets and pigeons an' 'awks

Baht I cahn't ahnderstand a bleedin' fing you say

You sahnd bleedin' stupid when you talk

We've got jellied eels, Babs, and Buck Pal

The Old Kent Road and Old Father Thames

We wear faaahsands of buttons sewn on our clobber

And we never miss QPR games

(chorus)

I jahst bleedin' remembered this is abaht me old mucker El Tel

The best boss we ever 'ad in this fair isle

And 'ee wrote 'Azell

What? I don't care if it don't rhyme. Right - 'oo wants some? You wankaaaahs! ("Smack!!")

(chorus x lots)

Venables! Venables!

Engerland! Engerland!

'Oo won the war eh???

Delia Smith's Gone

(from '12 Rucks' album)

Delia, oh Delia, Delia all me bleedin' life

I'd 'ave probably shagged poor Delia if she 'adn't fallen on to that knife

Delia's gone, stupid cah, Delia's gone

The first time I saw Delia she 'ad 'er 'and stahck ahp a chicken

Baht the violence was 'ardly paltry when I gave 'er a good kickin'

Delia's gone, stupid cah, Delia's gone

The next time I saw Delia was at Carrow Road, on the pitch

You 'ave ta break sahm legs to make an omlette, you stupid Norfolk bitch

Delia's gone, stupid cah, Delia's gone

The last time I saw Delia, she did me spuds, mushy peas, and haddock

Baht if it's fanny that I'm after, I'll stick wiv Mrs. Craddock

Delia's gone, stupid cah, Delia's gone

A Game Of Two 'Alves (Makes A Pint)

(from 'Kipper Win The World Cup' album)

INTRO: "The National Anthem"

(sample): - "what you 'avin', Jacko?"

"I'll 'ave 'alf, I'll 'ave 'alf"

(chorus) Two 'alves make a pint, don't they Fritz

You didn't scare us cockernees in the Blitz

We like our booze, we lahv a good old sup

And we're gonna win the fahckin' World Cup

You can keep yer steins, yer beer's all froffy

You can't drink yer ale for bleedin' toffee

I can dahn eighty-odd pints before lahnch

Shaht it Adolf, d'ya want an England pahnch

(chorus)

Nutter 'ere, pissed, tooled up and fahckin' 'ard

Gonna take on the Krauts in their own back yard

I'll shove me fist through them Brahndenburg gates

Cos' I've gorn and polished off firty-free crates

(chorus)

Two 'alves make a pint

Stuff yer litres ahp yer jacksy

Two 'alves make a pint

Got me clobber, where's me taxi?

Bobby fahckin' Moore! Awlright!

(chorus)

Jesus wept, 'ave you seen our squad?

Crouch ahp frahnt! He shouldda picked Ken Dodd

Still 'oo gives a fahck abaht Owen and Rooney

I'm off to kill sahm Gerries, I'm a bleedin' loony!

(chorus)

OUTRO: theme from 'The Great Escape'

Me & Henry McGee

(Nutter Normington - from 'Self Punchtrait' album)

Rahnd 'is gaff in Battersea, bored aht me brains

Pickin at the fread on me blue jeans

Bob todd this, Hunny Monster that

Polishin' off all of 'is Peak Freans

Countless tales of voice-overs and on-stage farce

Henry my sahn, you don't arf give me the blues

I've never felt so fahckin' flat, you tedious twat

Sat on the settee, me and Henry McGee

(chorus) Clapham's jahst annaver word for naffink left ta lose

Clapham means everyfink ta me

Clapham is where I wish I was nah

Baht I'm stuck on this settee

Me & Henry McGee

Rahnd 'er gaff in Bermondsey, goin' off me nut

Pickin' at the tassles on 'er standard lamp

Paul bought me this, Paul bought me that

Aht of tea, so she gave me coffee - Camp

Endless tales of 'idin' in boxes and rabbits in 'ats

Debbie you slaaaag you don't arf give me the blues

I'd bleedin' larf if Baldie sawed you in 'alf

Dyin' for a pee, me and Debbie McGee

(chorus, omitting 'Henry' and adding 'Debbie')

Fights On Mars?

(from 'Break Yer (L)eggs' e.p.)

If 'ee weren't a copper

Then 'ee'd be in Kipper

'Ees no God-bovverer Anderton

Or a pohnce like Slipper

A right 'ard bastard

A real nahtty cahnt

Put yer foot frew a door

For me mate Gene Hunt

(chorus)

Leave yer time travel to Michael J. Fox

The only time Gene Hunt cares abaht is on pahb clocks

And of course the time the villain's gonna get

Baht 'ee's still got to beat a confession aht of 'im yet

I don't give a shit

Abaht the bleedin' plot

Is Gene Hunt gonna

Punch a villain or not?

You can't fault 'is

Interrogation technique

The geezers are 'eld taggever

Wiv sellotape ahp before the beak

(chorus)

'Ee drinks a pint of scotch

Then 'ee's off in 'is car

Knockin' dahn dahstbins

Then 'ee stops off for a jar

A call on the radio

Fahckin' 'ell, 'ee'd better dash

Ray's got arf 'is pint

Arahnd 'is bleedin' tache

(chorus)

Now you pohnces goin' on

Abaht that bleedin' Sam Tyler

Shaht it! 'Ee's as 'ard

As Corky played by Deryck Guyler

Gene Hunt 'as kicked in abaht fifty fahckin' doors

And no I wasn't countin'

I was too busy

Wiv me sherbet fountain!

Doctor 'Oo?

(from 'Break Yer (L)eggs' e.p.)

'Ee travels rahnd the universe

In 'is bleedin' Tardis

Finkin' 'ee's as nails as me

Baht there's no-one as fahckin' hard-is

That Billie Piper tags along

From outer space to the Blitz

Baht they always end ahp in Cardiff

And she looks lihke one of the Banana Splits

Don't get me started on that gay one

Yer know, whatsisname, Captain Jack

If 'ee cahms near me wiv a sonic screwdriver

'E'll get a bleedin' smack

Even though I'm from Clapham

My favourite t.v. channel is 'Harlech'

I once beat ahp six Cybermen

And it's my ambition to punch a Dalek

Doctor 'Oo

You'll get a good kickin'

If Kipper find you

Kung Fu 'Oops

(from 'Nutter Of Arabia' album)

'Ere me old China, stop bein' a bleedin' whinger

You just gotta good kickin' from a Loftus Road ninja

You come over 'ere wiv your ancient martial art

But we're the fahckin' 'Oops and we'll take you apart

(chorus)

Kung Fu 'Oops!

Awlright!

Bruce Lee? Ponce! Stick yer nunchakers

I'll knock yer bleedin' 'ead off wiv me sister's Clackers

All you tiddlywinks 'ad better run for cover

Once I've done one, five minutes later, I wanna do annuver!

(chorus)

Charlie Chan, Fu Manchu, Mao Tse Tung - fahck you!

Terracotta Army, that long shit wall, chicken chop suey - fahck all!

Stick to beatin' monks up in bleedin' Tibet

If you cahm dahn to Loftus Road, you know what you'll get

(chorus)

Gateshead Revisited

(from 'Nutter Of Arabia' album)

H'way the lads I'm off doon too

I'm reet canny mind, and I walk like a baboon

I could win the Bladon Races and deck the Lambton worm

And I nevvah forgave Waddle for that stoopid perm

Sixty pints o' Newcy then off ova the Tyne

Oot ta shitey Gateshead cos' some gadgee crossed tha line

I could win that Brendan Foster, Ant & Dec got nowt on me

I'm Geordie Eric, I'm reet hard, eat pease puddin' for me tea

(guitar break)

Why aye Mark Knopfler man that was proper canny

It's a shame yer look the spittin image of me dear old granny

Why aye Jimmy Nail man in yer crocodile shoes

Let's gan doon the Bigg Market for more birds and booze

Anyhoo back ta Gateshead, I kinda lost me thread

I divven't knaa how many of that lot that aah left for dead

They shouldda kept their gobs shut and not 'ave caused no 'assle

We're 'ard as owt us Geordies and we love Newcastle

(shimmering guitar break)

Why aye Mark Knopfler man...

(spoken): Shurrup - Nutter's comin' back and he'll gan crazy man, gan on fook off man...

James Blunt / Blunt Instrument

(from 'Nutter Of Arabia' album)

(chorus)

James Blahnt

What a cahnt

Wallop! Wiv a blahnt instrumahnt

'ee was in the army

So fahckin' what?

It's a shame 'ee

Din't get shot

(chorus)

Sings like a pohnce

Looks like one too

Watch it sahnshine

Nutter's after you

(chorus)

You're beautiful

Is what he said

You're not you wankah

You're fahckin' brahn bread

(chorus x 10 to fade)

(barely audible, amidst feedback and piano-smashing):

Like John Inman

Only gayer

I'd rarvver lissen

To Leo bleedin' Sayer

They Took My Childhood Away

(from 'Kipper Mask Replica' album)

(spoken) They say the world's a stage

Well it ain't cos' it's a cage

And I'm in a bleedin' rage

For what they did to me at such a young age...

(shouted) I was only 34 when they dragged me onto this carousel

This endless world of torment, torture, like a living hell

I missed out on all the good times made to rock'n'roll all day

Just cos' I'm so talented they took my childhood away

Like a modern-day Mozart or that geezer Puccinni

On stage every night, I always missed The Sweeney

I missed out on all the good times made to booze and fight all day

Just cos' I'm so 'andsome they took my childhood away

Just a child in a madman's dreams

Trying to hold in all these screams

No more toys or playing conkers

I tell yer mate, I'm bleedin' bonkers

Give me back my childhood

Or else I'll smash yer teef in!!!!

(spoken) They say all the world is a stage... (to fade)

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